


Accidental

by OhDeerDearie



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AU, Alcohol, Drug Use, F/F, Genderbending, High School AU, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-02-16 12:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2268924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhDeerDearie/pseuds/OhDeerDearie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lovina thought she'd found the one with her idiot girlfriend, Isobel. It's just her luck that a sharp-tongued German had to waltz into her life like it was already her property.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating: T for sexual themes.  
> Pairings: Prumano (fem!Prussia x fem!South Italy), Spamano (fem!Spain x fem!South Italy), GerIta (fem!North Italy x Germany) and mentions of FrUK (fem!France x fem!England)  
> Warnings (and things worth mentioning): Alcohol, cussing and smoking. This is a high school AU. A lot of genderbending.  
> Summary: Lovina thought she'd found the one with her idiot girlfriend, Isobel. It's just her luck that a sharp-tongued German had to waltz into her life like it was already her property.

"Lovina, please! Mama and papa won't let me go if you don't come!"

Lovina sighs and thins her lips, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly. She sits, gaze fiery and level. Felicia stands at the foot of her bed in her prettiest dress with her hair braided, ready to go if it weren't for the fact that, well, she wasn't going anywhere. Not anymore.

"I already have plans, idiot! Isobel invited me over!"  
"You're only allowed to go to Isobel's because they don't know she's you-"  
"Felicia!"

Checkmate.

Felicia's been begging Lovina for help for the last fifteen minutes and now she's finally caught her out. The younger Italian wants to stay at her boyfriend Ludwig's house tonight but their parents, being overprotective as they are, won't let her go alone. Lovina's only allowed to stay with Isobel because she was smart enough to keep her mouth shut about their relationship. But now Felicia's threatening to out her which, in the older girl's opinion, is a total dick move.

The two sisters glower at one another, equally feisty and equally stubborn. Lovina knows when she's been beaten but accepting failure isn't something she's great at.  
"... When are you leaving?" She asks grudgingly, dropping her gaze to where her hands are twisting and untwisting the duvet. The prospect of third wheeling at someone else's house for a whole night is nerve wracking.  
"Like, now!" Felicia announces, already racing out the room to inform her parents of the development. She's always been good at talking Lovina around, even if it involves some underhand methods.

Fifteen minutes later and they're walking down the street, Felicia bouncing around excitedly while Lovina drags her feet. Apparently the Beilschmidt's house is only ten minutes away from theirs but she's never seen it before- not that she goes out much. Isobel had been sad when she'd had to cancel but seemed to have a backup plan of inviting Francine over, anyway.

"Don't worry, Lovi, Ludwig has a big sister too! Maybe you guys can be friends!"

Felicia's rambling, seeming to pick up on Lovina's sour mood.

"Huh. 'Cause I'm so good at making friends." She snaps, hands stuffed deep in her pockets so her little sister can't see how she digs her fingernails into her palms like a coping mechanism.  
"Don't worry about it! Ludwig says Jules is really awesome. So maybe you guys could chill while me and Lud watch movies?"  
"The- What?! Like fuck I'm going into to 'chill' with some guy's big sister for a whole night! Jesus Christ, 'Licia!"

When they arrive, Felicia knocks nearly 10 times and then proceeds to ring the bell until Ludwig opens the door, obviously expecting it to be her with the racket she made. He smiles at the younger before his expression tightens into formality, turning to Lovina.  
"Hallo. Uh, thank you for coming along so Felicia could come tonight. I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience."

She's about to tell him that yes, this is a total inconvenience and that there are a million places else she'd rather be, but Felicia butts in before she can even open her mouth. Typical.  
"Lovina was really excited to come! I told her about Jules and she said that she totally doesn't mind chilling with her while we watch movies!"  
"Wha-"  
"Oh, really?" The kid looks fucking delighted and Lovina feels scorned because  _is her little sister blackmailing her?!_ "That's very kind of you. Of course, you and Jules can watch movies with us as well. I'll go and get her."

The moment that Ludwig disappears, Lovina snarls at Felicia, eyes spitting fire.  
"I can't spend the fucking night with a stranger! What the fuck?! I swear to fucking god if mama finds ou-"  
"Finds out about you and Isobel? I know! It'd be such a shame if you couldn't stay there anymore!"  
"I agreed to stay the night, isn't tha-"

Their conversation is cut short with Ludwig returning down the stairs, seemingly wary of how Lovina is hissing at her little sister.  
"Everything okay?" He asks uncomfortably and Felicia nods perkily, reaching out to take his hand which makes him fucking blush, Jesus Christ what a fucking virgin.  
"Is Jules coming?" Felicia asks as they start making their way to a big room with couches and beanbags and an oversized television.  
"Ja, she'll be down in a bit."

The moment Lovina takes her shoes, coat and bag off and has sat down on a beanbag as far from Felicia and Ludwig as possible, she has her phone out to text her girlfriend.  
' _God help me Isa this night's going to be torture'_  
'Aw, c'mon, it can't be that bad!'  
'They're already fucking snuggling!'  
'That's so cute! Can you send me a picture?'  
'No, idiot!'

Luckily Lovina kicks up a fuss when Felicia picks 'Clueless' to watch and Ludwig doesn't seem so keen either. They choose 'Inception' which will probably confuse Felicia but she says that Leonardo DiCaprio is good looking enough for it to be worth it. They've been watching (well, Felicia's already trying to work her way onto Ludwig's lap and Lovina's still texting) the movie for twenty minutes when the door swings open, casting some light into the dark room. Felicia glances up for a moment, Ludwig turns his head to smile at the newcomer and Lovina looks up and blinks in surprise.

Jules enters the room quietly enough, being followed in by two big dogs before shutting the door behind her. The older girl stares at the television for a moment to pick up the plot, having seen the movie a few times before.  
"Good choice." She commends as she plops down on the empty couch, patting the spaces next to her for the dogs to clamber up.  
"Hi, Jules!" Felicia chirps over an important line from Ariadne, making Lovina scowl.  
"Hey, Felicia." The elder smiles, voice rough with what Lovina guesses from the heavy scent of smoke that followed the girl in, cigarettes. "Und hello...?" She starts politely, inclining her head towards the older Italian.  
"Lovina." She replies curtly, tearing her gaze away from the other girl. It's just that... Is her hair  _silver?_ And when their eyes had met, Lovi could have sworn she had seen red.  
"Hey, Lovina." Jules grins, noticing the lingering gaze. She's used to it- there aren't many albinos going around.  
"H-hi..." She mumbles, taking a moment before unlocking her phone and starting to text Isobel again.  
' _The big sister's here now. Jules. Albino?'_  
'Si! So she's the one you're going to be hanging out with tonight?'  
'No.'  
'Is she hot?'  
'Isobel!'  
'I'll take that as a yes! Don't stare too long, I'll get jealous!'

The movie trails on and Lovina's hungry and bored. Felicia's already questioned the plot multiple times because she's too busy trying to plant one on Ludwig who's too embarrassed to do anything in front of their sisters. Jules has sat petting the dogs and fidgeting with her phone. Sighing, the older Italian reaches behind her to pull her hair out of its ponytail, annoyed at how the ends of it tickle the nape of her neck. Working deftly she braids it into sections and pulls them together in a bun.

"How did you do that?"

The demand comes from behind her and Lovina turns to Jules with a frown. "Do what?"  
"With your hair."

Blinking, the Italian scrutinises Jules blankly. She wears her long silver hair messy and unkempt- it's no wonder she has no idea how to braid and style.  
"You just take sections at different intervals and braid them one at a time, then they should all come up and you tie them... Then wrap this one around, and use a pin." She explains slowly before turning back to the movie.

Several minutes later she hears Jules hissing and turns around again. She's got a pale finger tangled in a matted braid and Lovina snorts.  
"Idiot." She sneers. Jules pouts a little as she works her finger out of the mess, whining.  
"Can you show me?"  
"No."  
"Bitte?"  
"I don't even know what that means."  
"Please." Supplies Ludwig, reminding the auburn haired girl that he and Felicia are still in the room. Felicia's smirking at her in this weird way that makes her want to rip the expression right off her stupid face. Slowly and painfully. In a very loving, sisterly way. Even Ludwig's smiling a little and god, what are they even looking at?

There's a prolonged silence in which Ludwig grows awkward and turns back to the movie, but Felicia and Jules continue to stare at her, causing a blush to rise up to the tips of her ears.  
"If I get my fingers stuck..." She threatens, standing up to stand behind the couch to get a better vantage point to style Jules' hair.

She does in fact get her fingers stuck. Multiple times. And Jules complains more than is really acceptable about how 'it hurts'. Maybe Lovina's a bit rough with the silver strands but honestly, it's not that bad.  
"Stop being such a baby." She scolds as she braids the last section, starting to twist them into place now. "Do you have a pin?"

She's beyond embarrassed. She doesn't even know this girl and here she is, playing fucking hairdresser. And Felicia won't stop looking at her with that stupid little smile. Won't Ludwig just turn around and kiss her already to distract her a bit?

"Nein." Jules shrugs and Lovina groans.  
"How do you expect this to stay up,then?!"  
"Do I look like I know?"

They bicker for a few minutes and by the time Jules has her hair all pinned up, Lovina's hair is loose around her shoulders, straightened out and plain. Pulling it over one shoulder she sits down again, never wearing her hair down unless she's asleep. Tonight just had to be stupidly uncomfortable, didn't it? She texts Isobel a few times but the Spanish girl doesn't reply- looks like her and Francine have finally found something to do. Chewing the inside of her lip she keeps her eyes fixed on the screen, but Inception's pretty much over. Cobb's about to see his children again and this scene usually makes her cry but this time she's too distracted by how awkward she feels.

"We should order a pizza." Jules suggests the moment the credits start to roll and Felicia agrees straight away, Ludwig shrugging and Lovina grudgingly agreeing. She's probably projecting here but it feels like every time she goes to someone else's house they want to order pizza like that's all Italians eat. Stupid fucks. The elder German leaves the room to order and Felicia clambers down from the couch to kneel next to Lovina, grinning.  
"You like her."  
"No I don't! Jesus, Felicia, her fucking  _brother_ is right. There!"  
"Ludwig thinks so too. Don't you, Lud?"  
"What?"  
"Just say yes!"  
"'Licia, I don't know if you forgot but the entire reason I'm here is because  _I already have a girlfriend_ and I didn't want you to rat me out to mama and papa." She hisses. Frowning, Felicia straightens up, moving to go back to the couch.  
"Jules is gay, you know."  
"I don't care!"  
"Oi, 'Vina, what pizza do you want?"

The call comes from the kitchen and Lovina jumps at the interruption to their little argument. She hadn't heard any of that, had she...?  
"I don't know, what can I get?" She yells back.  
"Come look at the menu, yeah?"

Sighing, the older Italian stands, glaring at Felicia when she smirks at her, walking out of the room only to stare blankly at the different doors lining the walls.  
"Uh... Where are you?" She yells, looking around nervously. She really hates new places...  
"Here!" Jules calls, her silver head popping out of the room two doors to the left. Feeling stupid, Lovina enters the kitchen. The place is open plan, it shouldn't have been so hard to find the German, especially as she wasn't exactly quiet as she raked through a drawer of takeout menus to find the right one.

Jules is smoking with the window open, having set the menu on the counter. Lovina wrinkles her nose at the thick scent, finally being able to get a better look at the other girl. She's taller than herself and her eyes are indeed red. She has her nose pierced and she can see the ends of tattoos emerging from under her sleeves.  
"You have a tattoo?" She blurts out before she can help herself, one hand on the menu she hasn't even glanced at yet.  
"Huh? Yeah, I have a couple." She grins, lifting up the sleeve to reveal lines of inked feathers that wrap around her triceps and come up onto her shoulders. Then she's lifting up her shirt and turning to show the wings sprouting from her sharp shoulder blades and Lovina goes between staring at the feathers and the clips of her black bra. Flushing dark red, she notices a small tattoo of two symmetrical eagle heads facing away from one another peeking out from the waistband of Jules' jeans.  
"Wow. Tramp stamp." She comments with a scathing tone, trying to mask how she can't stop staring. Jules drops her shirt and turns to her, raising her eyebrows.  
"Tramp? Really? I think it's interesting that we have to shame women for where they get their tattoos. And what's it to anyone how many people have seen it? Hm?"

Well, she hadn't been expecting that. Her cheeks light up like a Christmas tree and she crosses her arms over her ribs to hide her shaking hands. "Sorry. They're... Nice." She mumbles, turning to look at the menu, ducking so her hair covers her blush. "Did you not get ID'd for them?" She asks, trying to divert the attention away from her blunder.  
"ID'd? Well, uh, yeah... But I'm legal, so."  
"You're 18?"  
"Yes?"  
"Oh."

She chooses a pepperoni pizza because she's too distracted to decide on anything more elaborate. The words are all meshing into one on the laminate page and she's trying not to shake. Lovina's a bit of a rude girl but she never means to offend people and get sassed to hell for it. And if she was honest with herself, the tattoos were hot. Really hot. She blushes even darker and bites her lip.  
"Lovina?"

She's jerked from her reverie and looks up at Felicia, now back in the movie room. Her little sister's holding up two DVD boxes- 'Brave' and 'Tangled'. Trust her to go for cutesy animated films. She considers the titles for a moment before choosing 'Tangled' even though she's seen it well over 10 times.

"Do we have to watch this?" Complains Jules once the pizza has arrived. She's sitting on the floor near Lovina now, eating her second slice of pizza already while Lovina and Felicia are still working on their first.  
"Jules, don't whine." Scolds Ludwig, and you could have honestly believed he was the older sibling.  
"But I've seen it so many times!" The older German groans around a mouthful of pepperoni pizza that's technically meant to be Lovina's.  
"Close your mouth whilst eating!"  
"Whatever,  _mum."_ Ludwig flinches at the remark and Jules looks apologetic for a moment. Felicia doesn't comment so Lovina doesn't either.

"What do you want to do, Jules?" Asks Felicia light heartedly, bringing life to the conversation again just in time.  
"I don't know..." Grumbles the older German. "You guys are still kids, why don't we do something kid-ish?"  
"I'm not a kid!" Snaps Lovina indignantly.  
"May as well be. You're younger than me."  
"By a fucking year! Less, probably!"

Somehow they end up sitting in a circle on the floor and Jules has brought beer into the room and Tangled is still on in the background while they eat pizza. Currently Ludwig's refusing the beer being pushed at him by his sister and Felicia accepted the beer way too easily (much to Lovina's discomfort, being the good big sister.) As predicted neither of the Italians really like it but the German insists it'll grow on them as she pretty much forces a gulp of beer down Ludwig's throat. Lovina thinks he really needs to loosen the fuck up, he's not even  _that_ underage.

"Don't tell vati." Jules warns as she lights a cigarette, the smoke curling up towards the ceiling.  
"Jules, you know how he is about odours..."  
"He won't be back for days and you know it." Snaps Jules, surprisingly curt. She takes another drink of her beer before loosening up again. "We should play a game. Y'know, 'truth or dare', something stupid. The more beer we drink the funnier it'll be."  
"Si! Let's do that!"  
"No, let's not."  
"Nein..."

They argue over it a bit. Jules and Felicia are obviously the best at manipulating out of the four of them because truth or dare comes out on top. Doing what she thinks is a favour, the older German girl offers to ask first.  
"Ludwig. Truth or dare?" She grins toothily and the Italian sisters listen with interest. Lovina expects he'll choose truth because he's too much of a pansy to do much else.  
"Truth." Called it.  
"Boring..." Jules chides. "Alright. Not that I really need to ask, but you're of age now, so... Are you a virgin?" Lovina almost snorts. The boy can barely touch Felicia without looking like he's holding back a boner.  
"W-what?! I'm not telling you that!" He splutters, turning pink.  
"Just tell, Luddy! We won't judge!" Presses Felicia cheerfully, smiling and nudging his arm with her dainty shoulder.  
"B-but that-"  
"You chose truth, dipshit!"  
"It's the rules, Lud."  
"Fine! Yes! I'm a virgin."  
"Called it." Mumbles Lovina, forgetting her verbal filter.  
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Oh no.  
"Anyway!" Felicia to the rescue. Again. "Who do you want to ask, Luddy?"

It goes on like this. Ludwig asks Jules who chooses dare and so has to run down the street with her top off. Jules chooses Lovina who chooses truth and has to admit she's watched porn before ("Just once! And it was an accident! And it was gross!"). Lovina chooses Ludwig who chooses truth, again... Felicia has to sit in Ludwig's lap for 3 rounds, Ludwig has to kiss Felicia ("With tongue!") And Felicia makes several attempts at getting Lovina and Jules into a compromising position.

"Beer tastes like shit." Lovina slurs two hours later, swaying in her spot on the floor. Tangled finished so Felicia put Brave on when Ludwig went to the bathroom and Jules and Lovi were in a heated argument about something or other.  
"Then why've you drunk so much?" Jules teases, only tipsy herself.  
"You've drunk more than me..."  
"No, you definitely had more."  
"No..."  
"Me and Luddy are going to bed now!" Felicia announces from the couch where her and Ludwig have been cuddling somewhat drunkenly for the past hour. Felicia didn't drink much but once Lud loosened up it was like he wouldn't stop. Lovina drank to ease her nerves. It was working.  
"Don' touch my sister when she sleep'n...!" The Italian snaps at their retreating forms, glowering at the way Ludwig puts his hand on Felicia's lower back.

Once the two younger siblings are gone Lovina flops backwards on her beanbag, feeling her back crack. Jules is sitting on the beanbag next to hers with her feet tucked under herself, a beer in her hand. She places the bottle down and searches in the folds of the seat until she finds her cigarettes and lighter, ignoring the Italian's lazy gaze that follows her movements.  
"Can I have one?" Jules looks up at her with raised brows, smirking around the cigarette pursed between her lips.  
"You don't smoke."  
"Jus' lemme have one."  
She coughs on the first few pulls and she thinks if it weren't for the fact that she's very, very drunk she would be disgusted with herself right now. She reaches for Jules' beer, her own one finished, and gulps at it, swatting the German's hands away when she tries to reclaim the bottle.  
"So where're your other tattoos?" She asks with a sudden rush of confidence.

Jules smirks, removing the cigarette from her lips. Giving Lovina a steady once over, she shrugs as if to say ' _why not?'_  
"You wanna see them?"  
First she shows the triforce inked onto the outside of her ankle. Then the word Löwenherz ("It means lionheart in German.") inscribed on the inside of her left wrist. She slides her shirt off fully this time so Lovina can see the wings in their entirety.  
"And then I have two here, one on each thigh." She tells the Italian, patting the fronts of her thighs.  
"Can't I see them?"  
"I'd have to, like, take my jeans off...?"  
"Cool."  
They share a look, Lovina's eyes challenging whilst Jules looks amused. Eventually her pale hands go to the zipper of her jeans, revealing the front of black underwear to match her bra. The Italian stares a little too long before following the path of descending denim over long pale legs, exposing two detailed sugar skulls in dark, rich colours. Without thought she reaches out to touch them, feeling soft, cold skin under her tan fingers. Jules lets out a whisper of a sigh at the gentle touch and Lovina's eyes drag all the way up her lithe body to her face where a blush has crept across her cheeks and freckly nose.

And then Lovina's leaning up out of her beanbag, eyes half lidded as she places a hand on the back of Jules' neck, pulling her closer until their noses bump and she tilts her head and then there's a pair of chapped lips on her own and  _oh._ Almost straight away she feels bony hands on her waist and they're falling backwards into the Italian's beanbag, Lovina's thighs bracketing Jules' hips. Teeth scrape down her lower lip and there's tongue and she can taste cigarette smoke and beer and pizza but it doesn't put her off for some reason.

It goes on like this for what feels like a lifetime. Jules' hands are steady and confident whilst Lovina's are shaky and frantic in their quest to drag her fingertips over every inch of the German's skin. She whines as cool palms stroke into the hollows of her hips where her skirt has been crumpled to, breath hitching when Jules traces a line down her jugular with her tongue. There's a hand drifting towards her inner thigh and she shivers in anticipation until there's ringing and she's confused.

Jules sits up, leaving her cold, and reaches for the phone lying on the floor next to them. She scrutinises the screen which seems to have a sobering effect on her and then the German's standing up and picking up her clothes and leaving and Lovina doesn't get it. She picks up the phone and looks at the screen just as Jules had done and pales a little. ' _Call from Idiot'_ and there's the picture that Isobel took of them kissing blinking up at her, illuminating the dark room. Now she feels sober, too.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating: T for swearing and smoking.

Monday comes far too quickly for Lovina's liking. The morning sees her even more reluctant to get out of bed than usual, suffering from tense shoulders and a lack of sleep. It takes a second layer of concealer to hide the bags under her eyes and even then she looks worn out. Trying to play it off as feeling a bit sick, she indulges her parents in taking some unneeded pain killers before darting out the door to meet Isobel.

As they walk to school with their fingers interlinked, Lovina has to work not to drag her feet. There's a fog in her brain thicker than the Italian coffee she can still taste at the back of her tongue, bitter and strong. Isobel's telling her about her weekend in great detail, always happy to fill in the silences Lovina leaves. If she thinks this morning behaviour is unusual, she doesn't mention it.

Apparently Isobel and Francine had had a 'great time' at the weekend. Francine had managed to sneak a bottle of wine from her house and they had gotten tipsy. They talked relationships Alice still isn't talking to Francine after they kissed at that party, and Francine is coming to terms with her bisexuality and played Just Dance. ("She shoved me every time I was winning! It wasn't fair!") Lovina's contented to listen to the white noise, feeling like she has a kind of emotional hangover after Friday night.

"So, how was your weekend?"  
"Fine." She lies effortlessly, sparing Isobel a wry smile when she feels the other girl squeeze her hand in concern. And really, it had been fine. Saturday morning had come and went, Lovina hadn't made contact with Jules at all (the German didn't leave her room for the rest of hers and her sister's stay). Felicia had pressed her for details she refused to give and she ignored the concerned look in her eyes when she barely touched her dinner that night. As usual she doesn't even look at her coursework and immerses herself in browsing food blogs and recipe books, watching the food channels to criticise the ridiculous fat content of American recipes. A weekend well spent endorsing her guilty pleasure, if she said so herself.

She's trying to force herself to relax as they get nearer to the school, patting down her blue sun dress self consciously and fidgeting with the edge of her art folder. Lovina's never been big on school, hated being surrounded by people she didn't really want to see and hated the pressure of keeping on top of a stupidly big workload even more. Where for some people school was a road to a future it was a road of confusion leading to even more confusion for the Italian. People like Ludwig, Felicia had informed her, would walk into jobs as engineers and whatnot. Lazy people like herself, her parents had informed her, would walk into debt.

As they cross through the car park it becomes clear that Lovina's not set out for an easy day and that she's got perhaps the worst luck ever. Isobel tugs her onto the sidewalk, out of the way of a sleek black car (the kind that only rich kids drive) that parks a little too close. What with the loud rock music thundering from within the metal structure and the trail of smoke snaking up into the air from a crack in the window, it doesn't take a lot of deducing to work out who the driver is.

As predicted, the car door swings open for Jules to slide out jauntily, oozing confidence. This wasn't the girl from Friday night, rough around the edges and cheerful- this was a girl on a mission. Ludwig steps out of the passenger side, looking embarrassed by the racket the music had made drawing up. They make quite the pair as they step up onto the sidewalk- specimens of an obviously ridiculously good looking family, Ludwig broad shouldered and tall, well dressed with his hair swept back. Then there's Jules, dressed in a black leather jacket, boots, denim shorts and a baggy grey t-shirt. Lovina knows if she took off that jacket, the tips of wings would peek out from the short sleeves.

Once she finally tears her gaze away from the pendulum swing of the German's hips, Lovina takes a moment to consider that Jules probably knew she'd see the Italian today and that she wanted her to stare and to feel guilty. That's enough encouragement to make the brunette look elsewhere.

As they're about to enter the school building that looks more and more like a prison the closer they get, Jules turns to look over her shoulder. Subsequently, hers and Lovina's gazes clash and there's an almost tangible spark. The albino spots the way Isobel holds tightly onto the Italian's hand and she actually  _sneers._ Without any further eye contact, the older girl struts into the school, the door swinging shut behind her. Lovina and Isobel enter a moment later, only a few paces behind.

Lovina's shell shocked, to say the least. She had expected Jules to be angry, certainly, but she'd expected her to at least be covert about it. Apparently Hell really does hath no fury like a woman scorned, because with one look the older Italian feels cowed and guilty all over again. Isobel had noticed the two girls' interaction, also, because she's turning to Lovi now, eyes alight and curious, wittering something by her ear.  
"Huh?"  
"I  _said,_ she totally glared at you! Like, harsh! What happened?"  
"Nothing. She probably wasn't looking at me."

With the day already off to a bad start, Lovina's on edge from then on. She feels like she sees Jules everywhere she seems to inhabit all the same corridors at the same time Italian is there and even comes into her maths class at the end of the lesson to hand in a piece of late homework. She's not conceited enough to believe Jules is following her but it sure as hell seems like it.

The lessons drag by, ticking down minute by lethargic minute. Each time Jules passes her in the corridors Lovina finds herself with a strong interest in the mucky linoleum floor. Finally it's lunch time and the Italian slumps so far down in her seat she's nearly horizontal, wishing she could fall through the floor straight into the fiery pits of Hades. Isobel tries to coax her into eating her lunch but she isn't at all hungry. All the same, she lets the other girl hold her hand atop the table and doesn't recoil when she feels her foot brushing up and down her shin- it's all routine, after all.

Shooting her a final pleading look ("You need to eat, Lovina! You won't be able to concentrate in class if you don't.") Isobel and Francine get into a heated conversation about Alice and how she won't even look at Fran anymore. The French girl seems pretty beat up about it but as usual, the Italian doesn't really care. Right now she's too wrapped up in her own self pity to deal with other people's heartache.

"I just don't know what to do! She kissed me back... It's not like I forced it!" Francine mopes, twirling a lettuce leaf with her fork.  
"She'll come around soon, Fran!"  
"Maybe you should give her some space." Lovina asserts bluntly, gaze fixed sulkily on her lap. Both Isobel and Francine look surprised at her contribution to the conversation- normally the Italian ignores the troubles of others as she has nothing to say. There's a prolonged silence in which they all seem to consider her words before the other two resume the conversation with renewed vigour. She doesn't miss how Isobel slides her hand out of her personal space bubble, though- obviously she thought the comment was partially aimed at her, which makes Lovina feel guilty. She's thankful for the distance between, them, though- after Friday, breathing around the Spanish girl has been impeccably difficult.

Remaining withdrawn from the conversation, Lovina fiddled unhappily with the hem of her skirt, wondering why she couldn't calm down. What happened could have gone a lot further and it's not like Jules has went out of her way to make her day miserable. All the same she finds herself constantly glancing around to see if the other girl is there, giving her that guarded expression, waiting in the wings to swoop down and shit on her crappy parade.

As if on cue, Lovina feels a heavy gaze on her and she chews the inside of her cheek nervously as she looks up. As she had guessed, Jules is three tables down, a coffee in front of her and her phone in her hand. She's sitting with two other seniors- Maria, and a boy called Daniel. They seem to be sitting in near silence, the German ignoring both of them in favour of shooting the Italian a condemning look. She sees how close she and Isobel sit, leaning towards each other without thought, and her lips pull down at the corners.

Huffing, Lovina looks away. Fair enough she'd done something shitty, but Isobel is her girlfriend and a good one at that- she makes the Italian happy, or at least happier than she usually is, and that's enough. She's just about had it with people disrespecting her relationship. First Felicia, the conniving little shit, who seemed to forget about other people's relationships whenever it pleased her, and now Jules who was, in short, being a jealous bitch as far as Lovina was concerned.

Feeling a rush of protectiveness towards her girlfriend, she stretches her hand out across the table to take her hand, an uncharacteristically forward move. She's rewarded with a pleased smile, Isobel glad to have her girlfriend initiating a display of affection for once. Slowly, to give her time to pull away if she was pushing her luck, the Spaniard leans across the table and presses a chaste kiss to Lovina's lips. Pulling away with her eyes gleaming, Isobel regards her blushing Italian fondly and Francine smirks into her salad at the affectionate moment. From the corner of her eye, Lovina can see Jules scowl and turn away.

After school, Lovina exits the building alone. Isobel's decided to go shopping but the Italian's much too tired to even entertain the thought of going along. Giving the Spaniard's hand a reassuring squeeze, they part ways, the other girl giving her a wide smile where she can only offer a tight one. She figures that leaving amongst the throngs of other teenagers will provide her anonymity from prying red eyes.

Apparently, she thought wrong. A hand lands on her bicep and she squeaks, turning to see an awkward looking Ludwig standing closer than strictly necessary. Pulling her arm away from his sharply she glowers, holding tight onto the strap of her satchel.  
"What do you want, bastard?" She snaps, face heating up. Does he know what happened? Is he going to beat her up?  
"Uh, Jules wanted to talk to you about something..." He mumbles, obviously uncomfortable and a little put out by the hostility of the older girl.  
"Well tell her to piss off!"  
"Look, will you just come talk to her? She's been acting weird all weekend."  
"I don't care!"  
"She's my sister and I don't like it when she's unhappy. You'd feel the same if it were Felicia. So I have to insist." He commands sternly.

Knowing he's right, she follows Ludwig in silence, being jostled by numerous excited teens on the way. Jules is sitting in the car behind the wheel, fumbling with a cigarette that she technically isn't allowed to smoke in school grounds. Lovina supposes the German doesn't give a damn. Once they reach the vehicle Ludwig goes to walk away and she turns to him sharply.  
"Where d'you think you're going?!"  
"I'm walking Felicia home...?" He phrases it as a question but Lovina can see her little sister fast approaching to pull him away.  
"And you think you can just leave me with your sister?! What the hell?! Why is everyone taking me places to ditch me lately?" She rants but Ludwig's already walking away. She takes a deep breath, one hand on the door handle as she contemplates just running away. She could disappear into the crowd, never to be seen again... But then she'd have to deal with Jules tomorrow and she can't put this off forever.

Violently, to show her displeasure, she yanks the door open and sits down, her bag on her lap and her folder clasped to her chest. Jules says nothing, simply looks at her expectantly until Lovina slams the door closed, continuing to look straight forward, refusing to make eye contact. She hears the albino sigh quietly and then the engine is on and they're pulling out of the car park, the Italian gripping her skirt tight in her shaking hands.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Asks Jules, interrupting Lovina's nervous thoughts.  
"I was drunk."  
"Shitty excuse."

They lapse back into silence and Lovina can't tell where exactly Jules is driving them. She wants to ask, but she doesn't want to initiate further conversation. Silence is her best option.  
"You two seem happy together."  
"We are."  
"Then why?"  
"I was  _drunk._ "  
"You know, I've had a lot of crap happen to me and I've heard that excuse 9 out of 10 times. I'm sick of it." Snaps Jules, suddenly irate. Lovina tenses. "People get your hopes up, you think, maybe she likes me! And then they fucking stamp on it. 'I was drunk!' Well you know what? That's not good enough. That's like blaming McDonalds for making you fat. It's your own fucking fault. Alcohol isn't responsible for the shitty things you do."  
"Well what do you want me to say?!"  
"Sorry, maybe? Like any decent person might when they've just met a girl, gotten drunk and then nearly fucked her only to reveal that there's someone else."  
"Look, it was a mistake!"  
"Yeah I got that. People only ever seem to get with me 'by accident'."  
"What, you want me to pity you?"  
"No, I don't."

Lovina chances a glance over at Jules now, more than a little perplexed. The German has her hands clasped around the wheel so tight that all colour is leeched from her knuckles. Her cheeks are stained red and her jaw is tensed. She looks upset and humiliated and the Italian feels bad for her.

"I've been cheated on before and it's fucking awful. But being the person that someone cheats on someone else with? You know that you've indirectly broken someone's heart and you didn't even realise it at the time. Some people are into that, it makes them feel sexy or powerful or something. That doesn't work for me. I just want someone to care about me for more than a night or a couple of hours."

Jules doesn't look at her once while she speaks, her eye fixed on the empty road. Lovina chews the inside of her lip uncomfortably, feeling like she's reading someone else's mail, learning about a stranger's pain and sadness. It doesn't feel like she deserves to know these things about the other girl. She fights to find something meaningful to say that might redeem her just a little, but words escape her.  
"I'm sorry." She says simply as they pull up at her house, Jules idling in front of the driveway.  
"Yeah." The German half-whispers, still looking at the road. Lovina waits for a moment, awkward and guilty. The silence is stifling and eventually she opens the door and steps out of the vehicle, upset and trembling.  
"Thanks for the ride."

Jules doesn't reply, so Lovina shuts the door almost regretfully with the feeling of leaving business unfinished. She steps onto the sidewalk and watches the German drive away, steeling her jaw when she feels tears prick at her eyes. When she enters the house she ignores her parents entirely, making a beeline for her room and locking herself in. Feeling like the biggest piece of shit ever, she puts her music on loud and buries herself under her duvet in a bid to forget, at least for a while.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Netherlands is OOC that would be because I've never written him before (He's fun enough to write thus far, though.)  
> Jules-centric chapter. Warnings for smoking and drug use (cannabis).  
> Marie is fem!Denmark- that's the only name I could find for her, I'm afraid! Sorry it so closely resembles Maria's name, who's also in this chapter.  
> Mentioned pairings: Past AusHun, briefly GerIta, implied Netherlands x Denmark.

Jules' week is monotonous (as usual). The only difference is that she's grumpier and more reclusive, barely leaving her room once she returns from school. After ignoring him for a third time on Tuesday evening, Ludwig has given up on trying to coax her out. He doesn't know what has happened- she can't risk him telling Felicia, who would no doubt bother Lovina about it if she isn't already. There's no reason to make Lovina more upset with her than she is already.

Smoking often and eating little, Jules finds herself tapping away at her keyboard at 2am on Thursday night. The minutes always go by so much quicker when she's doing nothing on the internet and if it's distracting her from her critical inner monologue then she sees no harm in it. Not like school's keeping her attention lately anyway so sleeping in class can't hurt.

Her phone lies beside her on her bed but the screen's remained black all week. She hadn't expected concerned texts or calls anyway. Daniel and Maria are all caught up in music, extracurricular, being academic etc etc. All the stuff she should really be doing but hasn't got the energy for, basically. Anyway, things have been awkward since the two split but both of them still sit by one another at lunch as if to spite themselves. In Jules' opinion it's all stupid.

Daniel and Maria were together for a little over a year and in everyone's opinions they were a perfect match. They liked similar things and were both very academic and good in school. Where Maria was more focused on her music, Daniel was quite athletic. There were enough differences to keep things interesting. However, they broke up suddenly about a month ago for reasons unknown to Jules. From what she could see, Maria was pretty cut up about it and Daniel seemed to verge on defiance. Whatever- their business, not hers.

Staring at the ceiling, Jules tries to make sense of the dancing lights in the corners of her eyes. Her back cracks as she straightens out on the mattress, having been hunched at her laptop for ages. It feels like time is slowing down with every passing moment- she considers sleeping but instead finds herself lighting up a cigarette and taking a long, slow drag in an attempt to ease her nerves.

Jules considers her cigarette, silhouetted against the screen light and smoke. She had started smoking when she was 16 when her dad's absence in the house became more and more noticeable. He'd thrown himself into his work to distract from his wife leaving him. Neither Jules nor Ludwig have seen their mum since, and theycan probably count on one hand how many visits their dad has paid them that year. Essentially parent-less, Jules had tried to look after her little brother but he was handling himself better than she was so over time they both just adapted to their situation.

Closing her laptop over, Jules gets up. Her room suddenly feels stifling, full of smoke and far too small. She unlocks her door quietly and makes her way out to the porch, trying not to wake her brother. She stands outside in her pyjama shorts and tank top, watching smoke curl up into the ink blot sky. Feeling morose and slightly cold, she decides to sit down and watch the clouds filter out the moon's light. There was no way she was getting to sleep tonight anyway.

She's surprised to hear movement behind her- the door opens and closes and she sighs, a puff of grey into the air. Ludwig sits down next to her a moment later, the dogs having followed him out to sniff around the garden's long grass.  
"You okay?"  
"'Course." There's a pause after that, Ludwig never being one to pry.  
"You've not been eating recently."  
"I eat plenty."  
"As if." He mumbles and she jabs him in the ribs, watching him wince.

Jules snubs out her cigarette and flicks the filter out into the grass. Ludwig frowns but doesn't comment. Sighing, she turns to look at him.  
"So what's up with you?"  
"Couldn't sleep."  
"Me, too. School alright?"  
"As always."  
"And Felicia?"  
"Also alright." She chuckles, watching his face heat up.

Conversation dwindles after that and eventually Jules calls the dogs in and ushers Ludwig to bed. She returns to her bedroom and lies down. At some point, she falls asleep.

She wakes to her phone ringing. She picks it up, squinting at the screen- 9am. Late for school with no intention of going, she answers the call.  
"Hej!" Oh jesus that's loud.  
"Keep it down, jeez..." Jules groans, placing a cool hand to her head.  
"Did you just wake up...?"  
"Yeah. What is it?"

It's Marie, the Danish girl who used to be her next door neighbour before moving away. She resurfaced at a party recently and they sometimes communicate. Emphasis on sometimes.  
"You know Tim?" It's a stupid question- everyone knows Tim. He's into drugs or something like that and wears his hair weird.  
"Obviously."  
"I'm heading over to his house just now, we're gonna smoke and get lunch. You up for it?"  
"Who else is going?"  
"Dunno. Didn't say."

Jules evaluates what her day was going to consist of and sighs.  
"Where should I meet you?"  
"I'll be at your house in twenty minutes. You can drive us over."  
"Fine."  
Without further ado she hangs up and gets out of bed. She looks over herself in the mirror, glad she showered the night before. It takes her a little over ten minutes to get ready. She dresses in black jeans, a grey tank top and a green and black chequered shirt. Her hair tied up in a ponytail, she lets the dogs out in the back garden before lighting up on the porch and watching Marie walk down the street.

The drive to Tim's house takes longer than strictly necessary because Marie gets them lost. During the journey Jules feels her phone buzz in her lap, probably texts from Ludwig. She'll have to apologise for leaving him to walk to school, though he probably went with Felicia. When they arrive the two girls enter the house without knocking, Jules following Marie who seems to know the drill.

It smells like weed the moment the step inside.  
"Oi, Tim!" There's no reply but a door down the hall swings open and the tall man stands in the doorway, expression solemn as usual. Kicking their shoes off they follow him into the room. There are poetry books organised neatly by size on the bookshelf opposite the door with a rabbit cage just to the right of that. Everything is perfectly maintained and dust free- it seems they're the only people here.

Jules sits down on a leather couch pushed back against the wall and ignores the look Tim gives her and Marie as they enter. She knows he likes younger women- not illegally so, just younger than himself. It's not uncommon.  
"You brought money, right?"  
"Yeah." Jules watches the interaction without interest and grins as Tim rolls up a joint and passes it to her, waiting for her to purse it between her lips before he comes forward to light it. He does much the same for Marie before fetching a well polished pipe for himself.

Jules smokes quietly for the first short while as Marie becomes more and more boisterous, chatting about this that and the next thing. Eventually the German loosens up, slumping down in her seat and smiling.  
"I haven't felt this good in days."  
"This stuff does wonders." Marie agrees, grinning at her which makes Jules laugh for some reason. At some point Tim reads them a poem from one of his numerous poetry books which likens a girl's eyes to starlight and her skin to honey. They end up eating tortilla chips at half eleven before they go out for lunch because Jules hasn't eaten in a while and she has a serious case of the munchies.

They end up in McDonalds for lunch. Jules likes junk food a hell of a lot but tends to order in so McDonalds adds a little variety to her diet. Marie challenges her to an eating competition in which they have to consume 20 chicken nuggets in as little time as possible. Jules doesn't eat as often so struggles to eat large meals, meaning Marie gets an easy win. Tim is preoccupied with rubbing down the table they sit at with a napkin, unhappy with the greasiness of the laminate tabletop.

At the end of the school day they're sitting nearby the fast food restaurant on a patchy of mucky grass, smoking and watching the clouds. Whether it's the drugs or the fresh outdoors, Jules finds her mood has greatly improved, so much so that when the students from school start milling nearby it doesn't bother her. She's paid Tim, buying more for later.

Closing her eyes, Jules is about to fall asleep on the grass, occasionally exchanging philosophical remarks about clouds 'and stuff' with Marie. When she opens her eyes, a face hovers over hers entirely too close. She jumps up, bumping foreheads with the person. Looking up at them blearily she waits patiently for them to come into focus. She feels so calm that it doesn't matter who her company is.

Maria is crouched down beside her, frowning darkly.  
"Where were you today?"  
"Just chillin'." Jules replies laxly, trying desperately not to find the Austrian's angry expression funny.  
"You left me to sit by Daniel at lunch. Alone."  
"Oh. Wow."

Before she can entirely resist, Jules is being pulled to her feet, a giggling mess.  
"Where are Marie and Tim?" She asks dozily as she looks around. "Are they, y'know... Doing it?" She cackles as Maria drags her towards her car.  
"Give me your keys."  
"Can you drive?"  
"Give. Me. Your. Keys!"

The squabble that ensues is brief because Jules feels sleepy and content and not argumentative in the slightest. Maria piles her into the passenger seat and starts the car, talking agitatedly as she drives.  
"It was awkward today with Daniel, Jules, I can't believe you would leave me alone with him to get stoned. What are you even thinking, using drugs like this? You know I'm against recreational drug use... And so is Ludwig. Don't you usually drive him to and from school? Have you even contacted him?" Jules only half listens to Maria's rant, tapping a finger lightly against the window and holding back giggles every now and then.

When they pull up to Jules' house, Maria cuts the ignition and fixes her with a hard stare.  
"Jules, be serious with me a moment."  
"Hm?" Jules hums as she looks across at the Austrian, wondering at how neatly she styles herself. It's cute.  
"I want you to take me to a party." She actually looks affronted when the German girl giggles, eyebrows shooting upwards. "I'm serious!"  
"B-But you hate parties... And you're so posh..."  
"I'm not posh! I don't hate parties, I just haven't been to one... But Daniel is going to parties now and I want him to know I'm fine without him." Jules groans and slumps down in her seat.  
"You need to shut up about him." She slides out of the car, expecting Maria to follow.  
"There's a party tomorrow night. You're going to help me get ready for it and you're going to take me with you. Daniel will be there so I have to look good. Also, we are going to get very, very drunk. Got it?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I've written a party and it's actually pretty fun!  
> Lovina-centric chapter. Warnings for drinking, smoking and some swearing.  
> Mentioned pairings: Spamano, Prumano, AusHun and FrUK. (If you like, there is also DenNor and Canada x Ukraine. But that's up to your perception!)

Going. Going. Going. Should she be terrified or excited? The invitation popped up on Tuesday evening, about 2 hours after she returned from school, half an hour into watching Jamie Oliver on the Food Network. The notification came through with a chime that sounded innocent enough and so she picked up her phone with no expectations. What came up on her screen made the colour drain from her face.

'A new event 'Party!' has been created'. Further research tells her the party will be held at Amelia Jones and her half-sister Madeleine Williams' house this Friday, beginning at 7pm and ending 'whenever'. Her first thought is to begin scrolling through the lists of people invited, which include, obviously, most of the school students who are 16 or over. Even looking at the number of people who have already clicked 'going' makes her dizzy and nervous. She feels her palms begin to sweat.

She tries to measure the pros and cons, weighing them up in her head, her eyes fixed on the television screen but not really watching. The cons are... Well, where to begin? To start with, the last party, held at Francine's house, produced so many scandals and rumours that the school was in turmoil for at least a fortnight if not more (after a while, she stopped paying attention). She had no desire to be a part of that.

Next, parties seemed to be sweaty, gross affairs that gave people hangovers and embarrassment. From what she had heard, the last party was the reason a girl in her year dropped out of school. Thirdly, Lovina is painfully socially awkward and has a total of... 4 friends. Isobel, Madeleine, Felicia, if she counts, and Francine (who is more of a friend of a friend). She doesn't want to be one of those awkward tag-along friends who just goes between following someone around and standing in a corner.

Fourthly, she doesn't really drink and she doesn't know what else to do at parties other than drink to try to loosen yourself up so you can actually stomach talking to people. Fifth, Jules has been invited. She can't decide if this is a pro or a con.

For pros, well... She supposes a party presents a great chance to gain... Experience? Or something like that.

Despite the overwhelming number of cons, Lovina knows that she'll go. To start, Felicia is going which destroys any potential excuses of 'my family is going away'. Also, Isobel sent her a text within minutes of her seeing the notification, ecstatic that she had finally been invited to a party. She really can't think of a good reason that would let her wheedle out of this. And so, with a deep feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach, she presses 'Going'.

It takes 3 days for Jules to reply to her notification and every day, every hour, Lovina has been checking t. Isobel is going. Francine is going. Felcia is going. Daniel is going. Marie is going. Maria is going. Natalia is going. Alice is going. Anya, Chun-Yan, Sakura and Sakura's brother, Kiku, Im Soo Jin, Feliks, Eduard, Hellen, Lena, Heidi... Everyone is going. And then, at the very last minute, on Friday night, Jules accepts the invitation and Lovina feels a mixture of panic and relief.

Lovina hasn't seen much of Jules lately and she doesn't know how to feel about that. There's so much unresolved tension between them. But how can she appease that situation without wrecking things with Isobel? There's hardly time to consider all of this, 2 hours before her first party and not even dressed yet, but she manages.

Showered, check, hair dried, check, makeup... Half way there. She's standing in front of the bathroom mirror deliberating over whether to wear blush or not. Not that she cares about this party all that much, right? She's totally indifferent. And so she covertly smears rouge on and tries not to make a show out of delicately contouring her face. This is more effort than she's put into anything for a while. Is eye shadow too far...? Well, who cares. Hints of amber across her eyelids, eyebrows filled in and neatened. Thinly applied eyeliner, mascara and finally, lip gloss.

As expected, Felicia is running behind. While Lovina picks through her clothes, trying to decide on the perfect outfit, her sister barges in and snatches the hairdryer from the bed. 40 minutes until they leave for the party and she's only just out of the shower? Well, Felicia probably knows more about being fashionably late.

Eventually she finds a dress. The colour of red wine, it has a plunging neckline with an a-line skirt reaching mid-thigh. It has three-quarter sleeves and sheer panelling on the back which flaunts her tan complexion nicely through dark red lace. Agonising over whether or not to wear jewellery, she puts on the set Felicia bought her for her 13th birthday- a couple of chunky bangles, black with a couple of thin gold ones mixed through, and rose stud earrings.

They were meant to leave 15 minutes ago and Lovina is growing impatient. She can hear Felicia chattering animatedly to someone on the phone upstairs, probably Ludwig, obviously in no hurry. Lovina has brushed her teeth twice, used deodorant, body spray and perfume, dabbed some lipstick on and then taken it back off and tried roughly 6 different hair styles, restless, unable to sit still. She rifles through the contents of her bag one last time, phone, purse, iPod, earphones, keys, then sighs, frustrated, and stands on shaky legs. She blames her trembling knees on her lack of experience of wearing heels, even if they're only 3 inches.

Just as she's about to storm upstairs and demand they leave RIGHT NOW, Felicia rattles downstairs, suddenly in a great hurry, slipping into her heels as she puts on her earrings. She beams at Lovina, her smile growing when she notices the accessories. "You're finally getting a chance to wear them!" She exclaims, gazing at her older sister as if about to send her to her first day of school. Lovina scowls, squirming under the doting scrutiny. Felicia looks great, of course. She chose a sleeveless navy dress with a mini skater skirt and a sweetheart neckline. The elder feels outshone already but locks her jaw in determination, gripping the handle of her handbag as they finally leave the house.

Madeleine and Amelia only live two streets down so the walk is short and the minute they cross the threshold to the large house they're engulfed in noise. People are everywhere, on the stairs, loitering in the lobby, hanging over the banisters of the hallway upstairs. There's a huge crowd in the kitchen, revolving around an island countertop covered in unopened alcohol. Felicia stays by Lovina's side for about 5 minutes before being pulled away to some unknown crowd and now, with her safety net gone and Isobel nowhere in sight, she's entering dangerous waters.

The world is painted in cyan, magenta, red, plum and startling white lights. Panic doubles the thickness of the air around her and the Italian finds herself struggling to breathe. She manages to situate herself comfortably on her own near an open window in the kitchen, eyeing the back door. Someone, possibly Amelia, pushes a red cup into her hand. At first the clear liquid isn't too bad but when she swallows her throat bursts into flames. "Fucking hell." She coughs, eyes watering slightly, leaving the cup on the counter and vacating the area.

Around the half hour mark, Isobel pounces on her from the side, face alight with joy and the onset of drunkenness.  
"Lovina!" She screams, a multitude of exclamation marks raining over Lovina's head. In some distant room, people are chanting 'Chug, chug, chug, chug'.  
"Hey," she thinks she replies, but maybe she doesn't because she can't hear over the booming bass line of some song that sounds like every other song they play at parties. Whether Isobel hears her or not, it doesn't matter. She keeps talking, animated, full of life.  
"How are you liking the party?" No pause between this and "I think this will be the best one yet! I'm really excited! Do you like my dress? Yours is so cute! You look just like a tomato, Lovina, you know that? And HEELS?! Wow! C'mon, let's get you a drink." And with no answer required, Lovina is back in the kitchen and Isobel has wine in a red cup and she hands the Italian a cup of something so brightly coloured it looks toxic. "Drink up!"

It's sour and fruity, almost acidic. It burns the tongue but it's more tolerable than the last drink she was handed. She grins to show her thanks to Isobel who obviously can't hear her even when she tries to speak. The Spanish girl makes intense eye contact with someone Lovina's never met as they mouth the lyrics to a song that Lovina's never heard with such enthusiasm it must hurt their jaw. She drifts away at this pause in conversation, taking gulps of her new companion, a bright pink liquid in a plastic cup. All things considered, this could be worse.

Girls and boys mill around, talking, screaming, drinking, laughing. The air is stiflingly humid and Lovina sails past sweaty, familiar faces, her cup emptying out as she ventures through crowds of people she probably knows. Some people dance, more of a head-bopping, rear shaking movement to the beat of the music, others stand near the walls. It all drifts by her. As soon as her cup is empty, another one replaces it, and this repeats. Felicia hands her a drink, then Isobel , then Amelia. She goes through 3 or 4 cups before deciding to try the stairs. She roams upstairs, trying a couple of locked doors, peering into the bathroom where someone is throwing up. Amidst the thundering beat, Lovina realises that Jules hasn't actually shown face yet.

She finds Madeleine roaming with as much purpose as herself, looking timid but not unhappy. Kat, a Ukrainian exchange student, follows her around, cheerful as ever. They exchange greetings and once or twice Madeleine takes a puff from her inhaler, which she holds in the hand that isn't clutching a cup of vodka and lemonade. They part ways after a brief chat about the weather, the success of the party, why the cups are red and school.

Eventually, Lovina is downstairs in the lobby again, drinking rum and coke and talking to Alice about who-knows-what because Alice is barely comprehensible. From across the room, the Italian spots that Francine has her eye on the Brit, who is ignoring her entirely. Then, Isobel approaches the French girl and shouts something that must be interesting in her ear, as it entices her to stop staring at Alice and actually leave the room which she has been prowling around since before Lovina came downstairs. She watches them leave without interest and listens to Alice tell her about a dark magic book she found in a second-hand bookstore. "Sounds weird." She yells over a song that sounds just like the one played before. She wanders away and just as she's about to leave the room, the front door opens and there's Jules, pale and nimble and drop dead gorgeous.

In a black body-con dress with a tiny skirt and no shoulders, she bares her ink, a slither of her wings which disappear under her long dark sleeves and the sugar skulls' lower jaws which gape, imitating Lovina's current expression. Her long silvery hair is up in a messy ponytail and her eyes are rimmed in eyeliner, her lips painted devil red, nails black and sharp enough to kill. Suddenly, the Italian is off kilter and she has to grab at the doorframe to steady herself, not wanting to spill her drink or make an ass out of herself. Jules is followed in by Maria but Lovina can barely pull her eyes away from the German to notice her.

Jules is white streak in the crowd, making her way into the kitchen and straight away starting on a bottle of beer. Lovina thought she'd be more confident about this but now that the time has come, she can't muster up the courage to approach this cold, beautiful person who she barely knows and yet knows very well.

And so, Lovina is now talking to someone she can't remember the name of outside by the pool, her heels off so she can dangle her feet in like her new companion, a quiet Norwegian girl dressed in all black with light blonde hair.  
"Marie made me come." The girl admits and Lovina struggles to remember who Marie is. "I didn't really feel like it but she says I need to socialise more."  
"Yeah..."  
"I hate the music they play at these parties..." And then Marie, who Lovi now remembers, barrels into the back of the Norwegian, sending both of them into the shimmering blue pool, and the Italian promptly excuses herself, flecks of chlorinated water already drying into her dress and mixing into her drink which is so strong she can't taste it. She thinks it's vodka and coke this time but she isn't sure and she didn't ask.

This is her eighth drink, she thinks. Numbers are a strange thing at this level of drunkenness, especially considering that she's a bit of a lightweight. Isobel, who is many drinks ahead of her, stumbles out of a bathroom, streaky eyed after throwing up for apparently the second time thanks to mixing her drinks recklessly and trying to do shots. Francine exits the bathroom shortly afterwards, also very drunk but seeming to handle it slightly better. Later, Isobel is draped over a couch, laughing at nothing but teary, her head in Francine's lap who is eyeing Alice, now passed out on an armchair with whiskey dripping into her lap from her cup, like prey.

Maria and Daniel had sex in Amelia's parents' room according to an excited Im Soo Jin, who disappears as quickly as she pops up. Lovina doubts this highly but doesn't say so. She converses shortly with Natalia, who is still sober and seemingly unhappy about it, and then Ludwig, who is drunk and wondering where his sister is because she's a great sister and he wants to give her a hug. Lovina is also wondering where his sister is, but is trying to keep that on the down-low.

Jules comes forth like a mirage when Lovina is hanging over the balcony railing, drinking red wine from a red cup. Her silver ponytail has slipped down to the nape of her neck and it swings like a pendulum as she walks. Her shoes have been left somewhere during the night and as soon as she's outdoors she lights a cigarette and takes a long drag, hands clumsy and slow.  
"Hey." She greets lowly, flicking embers down into the pool below. Hazily, Lovina turns to her and feels herself sober up a portion with a sudden rush of nervousness.  
"H-Hi."  
"You enjoying the party?" There's a restless humming in the air, barely noticeable under the sound of music, and the tension feels almost tangible. Does Jules notice it too? Maybe not. She looks cool and quite drunk.  
"Yeah, it's alright." Try to sound nonchalant, don't show how many things you're feeling now. It has to be a secret.  
"Maria wants everyone to know that she did  _not_ fuck Daniel tonight, they barely even talked." Jules comes out with monotonously and sighs, dark clouds pouring from her lungs to her lips and out into the air.  
"... Right."

Conversation dries out and they watch the sky, the trees, the people below who topple into the pool and climb back out, laughing to themselves, dripping wet. Anything but one another. The outdoor air no longer seems as refreshing as it did to Lovina when she dragged herself out from a sticky, humid room. They both wait for the other to say something.  
"Let's get out of here."  
"Okay."

And then they're outside, Jules carrying as many bottles of beer as she can and Lovina carting a bottle of red wine, stolen from the wine cabinet, neither of them wearing shoes. The Italian follows the albino without quarrel, too high on adrenaline and filled with alcohol to care where they end up. The destination is a park, expansive, shadowy and empty of life. They find themselves by a swing set and Lovina thinks they were intending to sit on the swings but somehow they didn't quite manage. Jules drinks her beer and Lovina drinks her wine and Jules smokes and Lovina watches.  
"So..." The word hangs in the air with nothing to follow it and both are suddenly hyper aware of the long silence and its sudden awkwardness.  
"Er..."  
"Uh..." The park holds its breath, stuck in the limbo of ellipses, waits for something to happen...  
"You look nice." Jules sighs, the only thing she could think to say. Lovina flushes a colour that rivals her wine and her lower lip trembles involuntarily.  
"You too." There's another pause in which Jules seems to be preparing herself for something, and then-  
"Look, I know things are awkward and that I probably shouldn't have made moves on you when I didn't know much about you, and that it's stupid of me to be so worked up about it now when it's pretty much my fault, and I'm sorry about all that but I can't deny that I think you're really hot and I kind of like you and I think I'm just making things worse by saying all this."

The sudden barrage of words knocks the air out of Lovina's lungs and the entire park now comes into sharp focus. Drunken confessions weren't what she was expecting when she came out here and now she wishes that they were back at the party where it was easy to run away because Jules is looking at her with surprising intensity and she doesn't know what to do.  
"I... Well... Thanks?" Her mind is a question mark and she tries to use her words but they're coming together all wrong. What comes out is, "I like you too I guess but I have a girlfriend and I think she'd be pretty upset if I was involved with someone else y'know, like, yeah, I just... We've been together for a while and I really like her... Sorry..." Jules doesn't seem surprised by this response. She simply sighs and shrugs before taking another drink of her beer.  
"I know. Some things just won't work out the way you want. But that's fine. We can hang out or something."

Lovina nods hesitantly, mulling this over. So they'd be friends? That could work. She takes a sip of her wine and lies back on the grass, looking up at the stars. Jules lies next to her, thinking, smoking, drinking. Her birdcage ribs show through her dress like this and the Italian resists the urge to run her finger down them, feel the grooves in her skin that her skeleton carves. Just friends. Their hair, dark and light, intertwines on the green and they share the quiet without interruption, breathing in time with one another, their heartbeats synchronised.

 


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Lovina notices is a throbbing behind her eyelids, working its way backwards and up into her skull, making her brain scream. Her jaw feels stiff, her eyelids are heavy, she’s pretty sure she’s about to-   
The noise of vomit hitting the bottom of the waste basket can probably be heard downstairs. Her stomach twists and there are sharp pains in her temples from the sudden movement. Feeling hollowed out, she settles back onto her pillow, gasping. Is she dying?  
  
No. She’s just hung over, and crankier than she’s ever been before, which is saying something. “I... Feel... Disgusting...” A knock at the door- fuck this. “Fucking what?” It hurts so much to speak she could cry- did she eat sandpaper or something last night? This sucks. The door opens slowly and in comes Felicia, looking not quite as fresh as a daisy. There are bags under her eyes and sweat and glitter makes her hair look like she hasn’t seen a shower in decades.  
“Fuck off, Ke$ha.”   
“Hi to you, too.” Not just Lovina who’s dying today, then.  
“Your stench makes me want to throw up again.”  
“The smell of your sick makes me want to die.”  
“Nice one.”  
  
Felicia gets into bed by Lovina, wrinkling her nose at the sweaty sheets as she peels them back. After reclining, both sigh tiredly- there’s less bantering than usual, Felicia not half as peppy as she usually is, even for a morning. What time is it, anyway? Lovina’s eyes blur each time she tries to look at the clock, as if it was fashioned by Salvador Dali. Weakly, she tries to run her hand through her hair, only to get her fingers tangled in an impenetrable forest. “I hate everything. I don’t want to survive this.” She regrets whining straight away- it hurts her throat _and_ head. In a slow, broken motion she starts to rise from her pillow as if from the dead- she can practically hear her coffin creaking open, or maybe that’s just her joints. Felicia watches her with groggy eyes, pallid and ill.   
  
Breathing in, the smell of sick hits Lovina and she retches over the bin again and again, though nothing comes out. Headache or no, she needs to get rid of that. One foot after the other, she manages to pick herself up enough to tie the bin bag. Rather than take it downstairs like any self respecting human being, she does the logical thing and drops it out of her window onto the driveway. Nice. She has to hold tightly to the windowsill for support, dizzy and breathless. “Water. Painkillers. Anything.” She gasps, head pressing to the cold glass, breath fogging up the window. No reply from her sister, who is... Asleep. Windmilling across the mattress, of course.   
  
She storms to the bed in a weak rendition of anger and tries to shove Felicia over, unsuccessfully- either she’s heavier than she looks or Lovina’s weaker than she thinks. Snoring fills the room and the elder of the two groans, teary and tired. She flops down on the desk chair, drumming her fingers lethargically. Every sensation is amplified by ten, banging in her head like a drum and wracking her body. She’ll never be the same again. She lays her head down on the desk- maybe she can sleep here? But it’s no good. She tries to doze off, eyes shut and head propped on her arms, but after five minutes, which feels more like an hour, she can’t stand listening to her own shallow breathing. Who invented alcohol, and why? Why isn’t it illegal? Her head feels ready to fall off her shoulders.  
  
Sitting there, shoulders hunched and head hanging, Lovina looks at the green tint of her nails- grass? And all that dirt... Her knees are scraped and mucky and her dress, which she is still wearing, is marred with stains. Pushing her palms to the dirt on her knees, she tries to work it off with spit and willpower, but her mouth is dry and she has no willpower. Basically, it isn’t working. Her arms, face and neck feel sticky and there’s something acidic about the taste in her mouth. “Shower. Need a shower.” She slides limply out of her chair and onto her aching feet. The shower is too hot, then too cold and it’s hard to stay standing up or to concentrate on getting clean. It takes half an hour longer than usual to scrub up and when she resurfaces, skin red and shiny, she still feels gross.   
  
Spurred on by her success of staying alive this long, she brushes her teeth twice, taking care to brush her tongue and even floss and use mouthwash. After clipping her nails down, she feels better- marginally. When she re-enters the room, Felicia is still spread out listlessly, though her eyes are open and she’s twitching her foot as if to stay awake. Hearing Lovina enter, she sits up sharply, apparently regretting it according to the look on her face. “Did you talk to Jules last night?”  
“Jule- oh. Yeah.” Felicia eyes her curiously before flopping back down again.  
“’Bout what?”  
“Nothing much.” Lovina grasps at her fragments of memory, her cheeks warming as she remembers the confession. A feeling of guilt and discomfort crawls over her like spiders and she turns to her wardrobe to hide her burning face. Rifling through clothes that become a colourful blur, she ignores the inquisition.  
“She likes you, doesn’t she?” Flinch. “Ludwig thinks so. I just feel like, you barely ever see Isobel outside of school and you always act so stiff with her...” Twitch. “I thought you got on well with Jules. There was chemistry.” Grimace. “I know I don’t see you with Isobel much and that we don’t really talk about this stuff, really...” Tense. “I think you should talk to Isobel more outside of school because there’s something she might want to tell you.”   
“Shut up.” She pulls on jeans and a t-shirt, her back to Felicia all the while. She doesn’t want to talk about this- it makes her uncomfortable and embarrassed. She can tell by the silence enveloping the room that Felicia’s decided to give it up for now, a source of momentary solace, until... “Wait. Something she might want to tell me?”  
  
Felicia springs up, pleased to have baited Lovina into conversation. “Well, yeah, maybe.” The vagueness of the answer has Lovina gritting her teeth, a crease forming between her brows.  
“No, no, no, you don’t get to be vague- you can’t just insult my relationship and try to set me up with someone, then omit information about your possible reason for doing it.”   
“I wasn’t insulting, I was just suggesting-“  
“Felicia, _what is it?”_  
“It’s just a rumour going around school that I’ve heard but you should really talk to Isobel because whether it’s true or not, I shouldn’t really be the one to-“  
“Okay, shut up.”  
“Why don’t you ever let me finish a sente-“  
“Shh!”  
  
Not being a member of a particularly large social circle means that rumours tend to only reach Lovina a month or so later after they’ve all blown over, or not at all. Rumours had circulated before about Isobel, but that was mainly to do with who she was kissing- girls or boys, who in what classes, etc etc. Those rumours had been put to rest when Lovina and Isobel became official. The idea of a new rumour to do with Isobel, particularly one that Felicia finds herself concerned over, makes Lovina’s stomach churn. She can’t think what it could be, nor can she think of how to breach the subject with Isobel. Her mood, already bad, sours completely and she puffs her cheeks out grumpily as she ties back her hair. Turning to Felicia, who has manoeuvred herself into a sitting position, Lovina masks her unhappiness, resolving to brush the whole thing off.   
“Whatever the rumour is, it’s probably bullshit. Forget it.” Felicia pulls a face, pleading with her eyes, but Lovina steels her jaw, refusing to cave to the possibility that the whole school could know something about Isobel that Isobel wouldn’t tell her herself. The subject is closed as far as the elder is concerned, so she turns on her TV, dragging the dirty sheets off the bed from under her reluctant sister. She’ll clean them later... Maybe.   
  
“Haven’t you got anything to do today?” Lovina hints dryly after half an hour of sitting on her stripped bed, pretending to be immersed in a TV show she couldn’t name.  Felicia has been lying next to her, splayed out and on her phone, ignoring her surroundings entirely.  
“Nope.”  
“Maybe you could find something to do today?” Hint hint.  
“Nah... I feel too ill.”  
“There are better places to be ill than in my room, though...” Hint hint _hint.  
_ “No... It’s comfy here.”   
“Well, I have things to do today and you’re not helping.”  
“What’ve you got to do?” Sceptically.  
“Uh... Homework?”  
“You do your homework at lunch or during frees.”  
“Well, this time I have an art project.”  
“I’m not leaving until you agree to talk to Isobel- _today.”_ There’s a stubborn silence as Lovina tries to think of how to negotiate her way out of the situation. Felicia sits there with a tired yet determined stare that makes her squirm. She fiddles with her phone, the lock screen- herself and Isobel posing together- glaring up at her. It hurts her head. Speaking of the devil, a text buzzes through.  
 _Isobel: You alive?xxxxx  
  
_ Lovina sighs, leaning her head in her palms. This is impossible- Felicia’s demanding that she ask questions she doesn’t want the answers to. Pursing her lips she tries to get out of this again.   
“I’ll talk to her at school.”  
“Why don’t you go over to her house today?”  
“No-“  
 _Isobel: You should come over today xxxxx  
_ “I have an art project- oi!” Felicia steals her phone, unlocking it- she always knows the password no matter how many times Lovina changes it. The sound of the keys clicking barely outdoes her racing heart rate.  “What are you- stop it- don’t! That’s my phone, god dammit-“  
“Sent!” Snatching it back, Lovina looks at what her sister has done to her. “She’s expecting you in an hour, at her house. You better get your art stuff together.”  
“I really don’t-“  
“It’s important that you go.”  
 _Isobel: Art project? I have to tell you something xxxxx  
_ Lovina groans, flopping back onto her mattress. She wishes she could rewind this morning and kick Felicia out before she could get into bed. She was looking forward to lying down and letting the day slide past her meaninglessly. Now she had to go out and deal with the unknown. Lovina is a great lover of the known- she’s happy not to discover anything new.   
“I knew you lied about that art project, by the way.” Felicia smirks as she rises from the bed, padding from Lovina’s room , her business here done. Before her bedroom door is fully closed, she’s already on the phone to Ludwig, her voice growing quieter with distance. Left to her own devices, Lovina tries to control the butterflies pooling in her stomach, feeling sicker than when she first woke up.   
  
She leaves it until the last minute to get out of bed and pack her handbag.  Phone, tissues, pain killers, a water bottle, her earphones, a cereal bar in case she finds her appetite by some miracle. The bus is ten minutes late, which she should have expected. The afternoon is surprisingly cold and Lovina finds herself shivering in the bus stop. When she gets on the creaky vehicle, Marie and Amelia are sitting at the back- they look up, but don’t acknowledge her. This suits Lovina fine- she likes to listen to her music when she travels, anyway. She feels tired, and the lurching movements of the bus make her feel nauseous. The ride takes fifteen minutes. Leaning against the window, she watches the world go by, the scenery changing gradually as they reach the poorer areas of town.   
  
Isobel has held residence on the estate for four years, when she and her mum were moved here into a small house. She worked hard to make it a home- Lovina remembers going over for the first time only to interrupt Isobel’s daily chores. She felt bad for tracking dust from the road outside into the house which was homely and clean. It seemed to the Italian that Isobel’s mum, who works full time at a call centre, has never helped with the cleaning in her life. Isobel had once confided in her that her mother and father, now absent, were once very rich but had gambled their money away. Because of Isobel and her mum’s modest living arrangements, the couple spend most of their time together at Lovina’s house, so today was an oddity.  
  
She reaches her bus stop twenty minutes after she was supposed to arrive at Isobel’s. Hurrying her pace, she reaches Isobel’s ten minutes later, out of breath and barely able to stand up. Her girlfriend answers the door in a pair of torn leggings and a giant, baggy t-shirt, her hair pulled back in a messy bun. Lovina notices nothing out of the ordinary until she steps inside onto the threadbare carpet- there’s no smell. Walking into Isobel’s house is usually like walking into a tin of tomatoes with a side of apple and cinnamon air freshener. Today, the air is devoid of this, and without it the house feels empty.  
  
It turns out the house pretty much is empty. Boxes of dismantled furniture are dotted around the rooms and there are no pictures, posters or mirrors hanging on the walls. The tabletops are clear where there are still tabletops, and the sofa lacks its cushions. Isobel takes Lovina upstairs, watching her face with unease and concern. There are no books on the shelves, which are half disassembled, and the bed sheets and mattress are gone. All that’s left is the empty bed frame, half a bookcase and an empty, dusty vase on the windowsill. Speechless until now, Lovina finally rounds on Isobel, who stands meekly at the door.  
“What’s going on?”  
“I don’t want you to be mad... We only just decided, y’know...”  
“Just decided _what?_ ”  
“We’re, uh, moving- back to Spain. For a couple of years is all- my great aunt is sick and we’re going to look after her... I think mum’s hoping she’ll be generous in her will.” Lovina’s eyes are sore with unshed tears and she feels as if she’s standing on air, about to fall like an old cartoon character.  
“You didn’t tell me?”  
“Well, at first we were moving, then we weren’t, and then we _were_ again... I didn’t want to tell people until it was settled...”  
“When do you leave?”  
“Next week.  I’ve already rounded up at school- I’m going to go to one in Spain for the time being. We’re staying in a lodge until my aunt finds somewhere to house us.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me? How could you leave it until last minute?” Tears weigh down Lovina’s eyelashes and she struggles to hold back the tide. Her lower lip trembles. “I always trusted you, never kept a secret,” that would come back to bite her “and now you’re just leaving? Leaving _me?”_ Panic wells up in her throat- her outburst is punctuated by the rattling of cutlery downstairs in a box.  
“I didn’t say I was leaving you. I thought you’d be better than this- it isn’t easy, moving away like this, you know? And you say you didn’t keep secrets? I’ve heard different. Where did you go at the party? A lot of people say you went out with Jules to be _alone._ Is it true? Were you _with_ her?”   
  
There’s a prolonged silence. Lovina wants to deny everything without faltering- nothing even happened on the night of the party, anyway... But she can’t lie to Isobel’s tired, flushed face. Instead she says nothing, which confirms her fate- she can’t even look her girlfriend in the eye. The tension in the room is palpable. Lovina starts to wish she could run away, but Isobel blocks the door.   
“So you did.”   
There’s finality about the words that make Lovina feel cold and vulnerable. Isobel’s warmth is pulling away from her and she’s trying to claw it back. She doesn’t deserve it anymore. She shakes.  
“It wasn’t at the party. It was before. I was drunk. So was she. It wasn’t her fault.” It sounds weak, even to her. And why is she defending Jules? She mentally slaps herself- that wouldn’t put her in good stead for the rest of this visit.   
  
“So you kept it from me for even longer than I thought?”  
“Yes... It didn’t _mean_ anything, I just-“ She’s pleading now and she doesn’t know why. She used to be so reluctant to show affection yet now, as she can feel Isobel pulling back, she realises that she’s more than attached. Isobel is _safety._  
“Don’t. I don’t really want to hear it.”  
“Isobel-“  
“Shut up! You lied to me. I trusted you too, you know?”  
“I know, and I was stupid, but-“  
“Not good enough!”  
“Well, what about you and Francine?” Angrily. “I keep hearing about you and her being a little _too_ close.   
“You believe that stuff?”  
“Well, everyone’s saying it, so-“ Stop stop stop stop-  
“Stop trying to make what you did alright! Two wrongs don’t make a right, especially when the other wrong is a fucking lie. You can go now, Lovina. It was nice knowing you but I won’t mind not seeing you again. Maybe I’ll write you, if I choose to forgive you.”Okay, so that stung.  
  
Next thing Lovina knows, she’s on the bus and nearly at her stop. She left Isobel’s house as if in a dream, saying good bye to her mum and wishing her a good journey in a stiff, cordial manner. She doesn’t realise she’s crying until she’s sitting at the kitchen table, hands around a mug of coffee, big fat teardrops splattering onto the surface. She doesn’t know if anyone else is in. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t know what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovina blames Felicia, Jules blames herself and they both try to deal with their feelings and whatnot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might be mild swearing, though I don't really remember? Spamano in this chapter, kind of, plus mentions of GerIta and Prumano (of course). Mentions of smoking and alcohol use.

Between treating Felicia like she had singlehandedly ruined her entire life and sleeping, Lovina’s week was uneventful. Isobel’s flight had came and went and now Lovina sat at an empty table during lunch times and had no one to talk to. Obviously the rumour had gotten around about her infidelity and the breakup heightened Lovina’s profile. People would give her accusatory glares in the corridors and purposefully avoid talking to her in classes. Where she used to have kind-of acquaintances, she now had no one. Madeleine was the only one who would even exchange words with her in school, aside from Felicia, who she always ignored.

Even Jules wouldn’t talk to her, though that was probably a good thing. Come to think of it, Lovina hadn’t seen Jules in school at all since the party. It should bother her and make her worry, but she was stuck in a cycle of self loathing and self pity that didn’t allow time to think of other people. She was going through her own personal hell and was wholeheartedly absorbed in it.

Felicia kept on trying to approach her at school and at home, but Lovina didn’t want to talk. Her younger sister had appealed to her, trying to convince her to come and sit with her and her friends at lunch. Of course, Lovina had refused. She didn’t want to be the loser who only has friends out of pity, even less so did she want to have to use her sister for social connections. Amelia and Bella are both openly on Isobel’s side of the matter, anyway.

Ignoring and blaming Felicia made her feel better. That way, she didn’t have to take _all_ of the responsibility for her actions- she could pretend that without her sister’s ‘evil’ influence, nothing would have gone wrong. Isobel wouldn’t have broken up with her and she wouldn’t be in the spotlight at school. She might even still have friends. Lovina would blank all thoughts of the night from her mind with startling willpower, as if that would reverse what she had done. But it back in dreams, which were really just memories.

_Jules’ hands on her skin, wandering._

Sometimes it would go further than that night, sometimes not as far, but either way it made Lovina nervous, confronting the reality of it again and again and again.

_Jules kissing her neck, firm and confident._

God, stop thinking about it!

Thoughts like that made her realise how everything had kicked off entirely on her own volition. And she hadn’t pushed Jules away, and she wouldn’t have unless her phone had gone off. Jesus, even then she had let Jules pick her phone up instead to discover that what they were doing was wrong wrong wrong. In her memory, she doesn’t even hear the phone go off- just sees Jules leaning to pick it up. She was totally lost in the moment. It’s embarrassing to think about and it only induces further self loathing, which leads to more self pity. Vicious cycle.

On Thursday lunch time, Lovina sat down at her usual table surrounded by the debris of hungry teenagers. The chairs across from her were empty bar where she puts her bag, folders and coat. She had started getting used to the quiet in her immediate area. The absence of Isobel and Francine’s usual prattle didn’t bother her as much as it had at the start of the week. She still noticed it, of course, but her mind had started to latch on to the hum of other people’s conversations instead. She had learned a lot in the last few days about other people’s lives. People she doesn’t know and people she kind-of-half knows. Break ups and heart aches, hunger pangs, family feuds and cat fights- the whole lot. It wasn’t really interesting. Nothing was really interesting. She prods at a pasta salad with a broken plastic fork. It’s all unappetising.

Part of Lovina actually wants someone, anyone, to sit down. Amelia and Bella could sit down and berate her for what she did and she would be happy to have something to think about. She could face the icy glares of Francine who has avoided her like plague if it meant she wasn’t on her own. Her sister would be welcome company if it weren’t for the look of sympathy in her eyes. Even Jules- the person who allowed Lovina to kick start this whole mess- would be better than the empty chairs that stare condemningly back at her each time she looks up.

In art, she realised that she hadn’t done anything for her folio for the past week, so got back to work. A large portrait of her and Isobel was only just starting to take shape. She had her features pencilled in but Isobel was only a sketchy outline of a face and a few curls of hair, a neck, shoulders that curved into nothingness. You can’t even tell it’s her, Lovina thinks as she stares at the paper. Her motivation to do art is suddenly gone. The picture she’s working from, now deleted from her phone, is still printed out and tucked away into her folder.

Lovina tries, at first, to shade in the contours around her eyes- the hollow and the bags underneath. However, she darkens it too much, so her eyes look hollowed in, her face haggard, scowling out from the paper at her. A reminder that no one else is as mad at her as she is at herself. She can’t even consider touching the paper with colour yet. She can’t see colour on her angry face, only the grey, the scowl, the nothingness haloing her head, where her and Isobel’s bodies sink away.

She tries to draw in Isobel’s girlish curls. Each stroke of her pencil is either laboured with negative feeling, the lines coming out thick and dark, or too affected, tracing lines too light to see.  Her hand can’t communicate what her eyes see in the picture to the paper. Every curve is too loose or tight, or switches at the wrong part of Isobel’s soft face. After two hours of trying, the paper is wearing thin from being scrubbed with the eraser. Lovina feels more anger than affection now. More frustration than trepidation over not doing Isobel’s sweet eyes justice. It feels like this painting, portrait, whatever it is or will be, is leaching out any tenderness left. Her mind is centred on the misplaced lines and not the person they’re forming.

She gives up for the day when she brings herself to the brink of tears, having made barely any progress. All of her work is moving in different directions and she can’t bring them together. Felicia waits for her at the door of the school and Lovina does her best to ignore her, her mind frazzled. Despite looking pointedly in the other direction and giving off her best I-Don’t-Want-To-Talk-To-You vibes, her little sister is persistent. The unwanted company latches onto her dutifully as they leave the school building.   
“Hey!” False cheeriness. Lovina doesn’t even reply. There’s a long pause. “Not talking today either, huh?” Lovina only shoots her a glare. “You can’t do this forever.” You want to bet? “And it isn’t my fault. You know that.” Not your fault my ass, you manipulative little-  
“Feli?” Enter Ludwig, tentative and overly aware of how grumpy Lovina is.   
“Hey, Lud, sorry I’m not coming over toda-“   
“Can I talk to Lovina?” What? Why? No.  
“Oh! Okay. Lovi, just catch me up if you’re done soon.” And with that, Felicia exits merrily, seeming to understand the situation all too well.

For a few beats, Lovina keeps on walking; trying to ignore Ludwig like she can ignored her sister. He keeps up with her easily, far taller than she is even though her boots have heels. She eventually sees he isn’t giving up and stops abruptly, a few parking spaces away from his stupid pretty car.  
“What do you want?” She demands rudely.  
“I know what happened with you and my sister.” This draws a bitter laugh from the Italian.  
“Well, doesn’t everyone?” He quirks an eyebrow at her- not the gossiping type.  
“I heard _from Jules?_ ” As if it should be obvious.   
“Right. What about it?” All of a sudden she feels world weary, so fed up with this whole business that started off somewhat simple and become convoluted too quickly to keep up with. Ludwig seems to be considering his words carefully, Lovina staring off at the thin line of trees planted uniformly, a flimsy barrier between the school car park and the main road it feeds into.

“How do you feel about her?”   
The question is like a blow to the stomach that whips the air out of her. Ludwig has now commanded her attention and her eyes finally settle on him. Of course she’s considered how she feels about Jules. However, she spends most of these reveries wondering why she bothers thinking about it and trying to convince herself that Jules means nothing to her. Each time she hears those words entering her head she winces- they feel false, too false to be spoken. But what else can she say? She doesn’t know _what_ she feels about the older girl, too tied up in her own misery to keep thinking. And who’s to say that Ludwig isn’t here on Jules’ accord, trying to scout out information in this less-than-subtle manner? She can’t lie to Jules about how she feels, even if she does it by accident.   
“What, so Jules is sending you out like a top secret spy, seeking answers? Why doesn’t she talk to me herself?” She snaps. As if it’s an instinct, she is taking offense.    
“She didn’t send me. She’d kill me if she knew I was doing this.” Ludwig looks honest and something tells Lovina that he’s telling the truth. This only makes it harder to know what to say.  
“So _what?!_ ”  
“So... How do you feel about her?”  
“I don’t know! Why do you want to know?!”  
“I just wanted to know. That’s all.” He shrugs and turns to go before halting, looking around. All of the other students have cleared away by now despite the conversation being fairly short. Felicia has long disappeared over the horizon, not really the sort of person who waits. “Do you want a lift?”  
  
*  
  
This is the second time she’s been inside the car and it still smells of Jules’ cigarettes. When Ludwig starts the engine the radio turns on automatically and begins to blare a German rock station. Ludwig, startled, scrambles to turn it off. When the sound dies the vehicle is strangely quiet and Lovina is reminded of Jules’ stony silence the last time she was in here.  
“Jules and I are pretty close.”  
“Uh-huh.”  
“She basically raised me, after my mum left.”  
“Oh.”  
There’s a long and heavy silence between them. Like the conversations you have with a friend-of-a-friend, but more laden with past events.   
“She’s a good sister and I care about her a lot. I worry when things happen to her because she doesn’t cope with her feelings well.”  
“Why are you telling me all of this?” Ludwig simply ignores her question.  
“She drinks, smokes and holes up in her room. It sounds dramatic. She _is_ dramatic. But that’s her.” Lovina doesn’t bother to reply this time, but listens with interest.  
“I think her feelings about what happened, and whatever followed, are quite conflicted. I know you spoke at the party. She told me- she was pretty drunk.”   
“What did she say?”  
“That you only wanted friendship and that she didn’t think you only felt... Platonic... feelings for her. But that, of course, she doesn’t want to force things.”   
“Right.”   
“I just thought, if you two were to even talk... Just once... It could clear the air for her.”   
“Why should I? I’m dealing with _my_ own emotions, she should too.” They were drawing up to her street now. Ludwig turns smoothly down the lane and draws up outside her house.  
“I don’t think that you really think that. Text her, if you have the time.” He asks politely with an air of finality. The conversation is over. Lovina gets out, frowning.  
“Thanks for the ride.” She doesn’t look grateful as she slams the door shut and storms up to the front door. Before she can open it, the car has made a u-turn and disappeared out of the street. Left with a million new things to contemplate, Lovina sighs.

 

When Ludwig arrives home, Jules was sitting in the kitchen looking out onto the porch. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a long time- or maybe she just woke up? It was hard to tell. Ludwig smiles affectionately at his elder sister as he enters the room. She’s nursing a cup of coffee, her hair in a ponytail, wearing sweats and a baggy hoodie she probably stole from her friend, Anya, who lived near them in Germany.

The moment he enters, she swivels around on her chair and scrutinises him. “You’re late.” She glances pointedly at the clock and he realises that his plan backfired. He had thought he would be at home no more than ten minutes later than usual and that he could put it down to staying behind in class. However, his drive to Lovina’s house plus their conversation prior to getting into the car had caused him to return twenty five minutes late. Far more noticeable and he had always been a terrible liar. Jules knew all of his tells.   
“I guess I am.” He goes to the fridge to get a glass of milk, hiding his face as he tries to evade the question.   
“Caught in traffic?” That’s a joke- Jules knows how dead the road to their house is after the turn off.   
“No. Just late.” He makes a vague gesture before pouring the milk and putting it back into the fridge. The sound of the fridge closing masks the shuffling of Jules standing up, causing him to start when she leans her elbows down on the counter just to his left- another tell. He’s always jumpier when he’s got something to hide.   
“I called Felicia today.” The conversational tone is laced with something sinister and Ludwig finds himself biting his cheek, hoping his face isn’t colouring like he expects it is. “Just ten minutes ago, to see if you were going to her house.”   
“Oh?” He’s frozen like a deer caught in headlights now- Felicia is worse at lying than he is. Most of the time she doesn’t even try- she just tells people things, even if she shouldn’t.   
“Turns out you _did_ go to her house, right?” There’s an immediate threat looming over him now. He locks his jaw, determined to not look guilty. “But you didn’t go with her.” The end of her sentence is followed by his defeated sigh. His hand still wrapped around his glass of milk, he turns to her.   
“Yes. I went with Lovina.”   
  
The admission doesn’t catch Jules off-guard- in fact, she probably expected it of him and was simply needling him until he let it out. She stands up straight now, face only mildly triumphant as she stares at him. “What for, Lud?” Her tone is still _too_ conversational, _too_ nonchalant.  
“I needed to ask her about something.” He retorts, not wanting to give the whole game away. He turns away from her and starts to leave the kitchen, intending to start his homework. She stops him short with a firm hand on his upper arm, glowering.   
“How much did you tell her?” There’s barely bridled anger in her eyes and he purses his lips, internally recoiling. He feels now that he maybe told Lovina too much- but how much harm could it really do? She doesn’t exactly have any friends to tell about it right now anyway. None other than Felicia, who Ludwig already talks freely to about nearly everything.   
“I told her _enough._ If you two would stop dancing around each other like pre-teens maybe this whole business would be easier.” He reprimands sternly, his brow furrowing. Jules looks furious for less than a moment then her grip on him eases before falling away entirely. She’s defeated as she returns to the table to fetch her coffee.

Despite previously attempting to leave, Ludwig now stands in the kitchen, perfectly still, watching his sister slouch over the coffee mug, face turned into the steam. He wonders what she’s thinking and part of him wishes she’d tell him. While Ludwig and Jules are close, they don’t share everything with one another. They can talk for hours and never touch on their emotions, other than in passing. Nowadays, Ludwig is either too busy with school or out seeing Felicia to just sit and slob around the house for nights on end like he and Jules used to. He realises they don’t talk as much as before, either. In fact, recently Jules has become more and more reclusive, has distanced herself increasingly from him. He wonders if that’s his fault?   
  
A wave of guilt hits. What if she feels like an inconvenience to him? When they were younger, though not by much- when Ludwig began to truly grow up- Jules complained of him no longer needing her. She teased that he would be the one looking after her soon, and that she would become the biggest annoyance in his life. Although there was humour in her eyes, there was also a fear of her jokes becoming a reality. Ludwig realises that he never really did anything to reassure her that he still enjoys her company from then on. He always acts embarrassed when they draw up into the school parking lot with the music blaring, or avoids her sisterly affection when they’re in public. He basically pushes her away unless they’re on their own. Well, now his sister needs him. He wants her to feel like she can turn to him.

Taking the seat across from her quietly, he looks at her with genuine concern. She doesn’t look up.  
“Jules?” He prods quietly, trying to rouse her from her thoughts.  
“I feel guilty.” She finally says after a long, pregnant pause. “What happened between Lovina and I- it didn’t do any good. It wrecked her relationship. It made me feel used. And now we’re both confused and sad n’stuff.” Ludwig, not knowing what to say, says nothing; when Jules looks up at him for reassurance, he nods encouragingly. Tell me more, he tries to communicate, without sounding like he’s prying.  
“It’s my fault. I pushed myself on her. It was a dick move.” Rubbing her hand down her face, her next few words are quiet. “I don’t know what to do with how I _feel._ ” She stresses the final word, laying both hands down on the table at the same time. Her eyes are pleading with Ludwig for advice- a rare occurrence.  
“Well, how do you feel?” He prompts, leaning his elbows on the table.   
“How do I-? Well...” He watches her cheeks begin to turn a light pink. “I feel embarrassed for being too forward and presumptuous. And I feel... Guilty. Like I said. For ruining things. And I feel confused- about how I feel, about how she feels.”  
“I think she feels the same things. But how do you feel about her?”   
“I feel like she was my best chance at finding _Something._ Even just a temporary, short Something. But Something. Someone who might have been interested in me. Someone who could command my interest. Hell, she already has.”

 Running her hands through her hair, her pale face is put into the light. Ludwig is reminded of how striking his sister is and that there are screeds of boys and girls at their school whose hearts flounder at the sight of her, desperate to be given even a moment’s attention. How could Lovina not see what they see? It seems that everyone in their right mind is eager to throw themselves down at Jules’ feet. She’s never noticed that, though. Because all Jules sees are dark circles and gaunt cheeks and her strange eye colour- points of insecurity.   
“And you’ve told her that? That you have legitimate feelings for her, potentially long-lasting ones?”  
“I mean, _kind_ of. But not really. How can I say that? I barely know her. She doesn’t even like me.”   
“You told me she wants to be your friend. Where do you get the idea that she doesn’t like you from?”  
“Well, I-“  
“No, listen.” Ludwig, again, becomes stern. In times like these he reminds Jules of their father, back when he was actually a father to them. It makes her heart swell with pride and affection. She decides to let him have his say. “She wouldn’t have gone out from the party with you on her own if she didn’t like you. Surely by then she knew she was risking her relationship to spend time with you in such a private way. And she hasn’t said she _doesn’t_ like you in that way. She just doesn’t know. Give it _time._ Maybe she will end up hating you- it’s possible. You had a hand in the end of her relationship, after all. But that remains to be seen. She doesn’t hate you now and that counts for something. So why not try, just _try,_ to talk to her? Just once, as friends.”    
  
Jules lets the words hang in the air for a few moments as they sink in. Ludwig is staring at her expectantly – usually after such a passionate speech he would become embarrassed and avoid eye contact. Not now- he isn’t so shy. He’s brave now- nearly an adult. The pride and affection returns, this time returning with the fear of becoming a burden to him. Ludwig can see the trepidation in her eyes and frowns. She considers what he said- Lovina isn’t the most approachable, but it seems like she softens up once you get to know her. It couldn’t be too hard to arrange to meet up somewhere, on neutral ground, just as friends. She could try it, she supposes. She nods to show that she hasn’t totally dismissed his idea before finally taking a drink of her coffee.

Later that evening, Ludwig is in the mainly unused dining room doing his homework and Jules is sitting in the living room, channel surfing with a Hawkeye comic open in her lap. Her phone has been on the coffee table just a foot away from her for the past hour and she’s studiously ignored its presence. A sense of dread has settled into her at the thought of actually having form a sentence, string together words that sound friendly but not _too_ friendly, to ask Lovina to go out on a NOT-DATE. So desperate to avoid the looming task, she has done nearly anything else she can think of- dishes, dusting, polishing mirrors, spraying all the rooms with air freshener, changing her bed, rearranging her comics and books on her bookshelf. She even began to bake a cake before she remembered how dire she is at baking and realised that she’s being utterly ridiculous. Ingredients now safely back in their places, she’s acting casual, pretending the phone isn’t even there.

She doesn’t even know what to invite Lovina to do. Where to you invite someone that you want to be not-just-friends with to be just-friends? The cinema? Or was that too suggestive. Coffee? Too much like a date. Dinner was a no. Lovina doesn’t even eat McDonalds, apparently. Book shops were too cliché. The places that Jules hangs out like record stores and the local pub where there’s live music every night don’t fit with her idea of Lovina. ‘Maybe we’re too different. If we can’t chill anywhere without it being awkward, how can we even think of being friends?’ She questions herself internally. But she knows it’s all an excuse- all of it is just her trying to get herself out of a difficult situation. Scolding herself quietly, she finally reaches for the phone.

 _‘Hey, it’s Jules’-_ too awkward. ‘ _Hey, Lovi’_ – too friendly. _‘Hi!’_ Too enthusiastic. ‘ _Hello,’_ too formal. Finally she settles on plain and simple ‘ _Hey’_. ‘ _Hey, Lovina. I was wondering if...’_ Sounds too much like a date proposal. Jules groans and scrubs her face with her hand in frustration. How could this be so god damn _hard?!_ The sound of the phone keys tapping the message in then deleting again and again grates on her nerves until she’s ready to throw her phone across the room. After plenty of turmoil, she eventually manages to send a message.   
‘ _Hey, Lovina. Do you want to hang out this weekend?’  
_ It’s far from perfect- every time she re-reads it she cringes at the words. To anyone else there’s no problem with it, but to her it’s too casual, too awkward, too proposition-y. She sighs and puts her phone back down, curling up on the sofa. Too late to change it now.

Jules has showered and finished two Hawkeye comics before she gets a reply. When her phone beeps she startles enough to nearly drop her pot noodle, which she balances precariously on her knee. She slurps up some chicken and mushroom noodles, dragging the time out. What if Lovina said no? That would be even more awkward than if they met up and had nothing to say, nearly. Her food is finished by the time she convinces herself to check the text. When she opens it, she can’t help but sigh with half relief, half surprise.  
‘ _Yeah, sure. Where?’_ The lacklustre reply makes Jules want to dance. She didn’t say no! The rejection has yet to come!   
_‘I don’t know. Where do you like to go?’_  
 _‘My room. But there’s supposed to be a nice cafe about ten minutes from the school.’_  
‘Friday, then?’   
‘Sure.’  
  
The conversation was brief but fulfilling. Jules feels as if she has just triumphed over one of her worst fears and so indulges herself in a second chicken and mushroom pot noodle. Ludwig, when he comes out to get a glass of water, notices her jovial attitude and smiles. It seems like something is finally going well for her.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meet up and some drama (obviously)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spamano and Prumano

It’s two hours until she has to go to school. Jules usually wouldn’t wake up for another next hour and forty-five minutes but here she is, wide awake in her bed.. She woke up around 4am from a nightmare that she can’t remember anymore and after she managed to stop hyperventilating she went upstairs to get some fresh air. Fresh air led to fresh coffee which led to a piece of toast and a cigarette. Now, with caffeine making her heart pound ever faster, she has nothing to do. She doesn’t want to wake Ludwig up by going for a shower this early, but she’s acutely aware of how bad she smells. And what is she going to wear?

The question had bothered her as she tossed and turned last night, trying to fall asleep. She didn’t want to appear to be trying too hard but she didn’t want to be too casual. Furthermore, Lovina’s reply didn’t give any indication of what _she_ thought this date- no, just a meet up- was. Is it possible that _Lovina_ thinks that it’s a date?

She opens the window of her room to air it out. Lately she had been living on her nerves which had led to regular hanging-out-the-window smokes, but is it possible that the smell was still clinging to her clothes? She should wash them to be sure...

Rifling through her wardrobe she considers all of her options. Shorts, skirt, jeans? It seems as if every possibility has numerous pros and cons, ones she would never have to think about any other day. After much deliberation she settles on jeans, but even within that choice there are more options – skinny jeans or boyfriend jeans? Ripped or not? Black or blue? By the time the outfit is beginning to fall into place she’s glad for the extra time she gave herself.

She washes the outfit and showers while she waits for it to dry. Coming out, smelling of lemon and grapefruit, she brushes her teeth and gets dressed. Jeans and a checked shirt, a couple accessories and she’s feeling slightly prepared for what’s to come – just slightly.

There’s still another half an hour until she has to leave so she packs a bag rather than just running out of the door with some pens and a notebook. She makes sure she has money- enough to buy something for her _and_ Lovina, plus extra in case they decided to go out after. Ludwig is sitting in the kitchen now, casting her a knowing look whenever they cross paths. How much does he know? She hadn’t told him anything... But maybe Lovina told Felicia, who in turn told him? And would that mean Lovina is interested?

When it’s time to go, she nearly forgets to pick up her bag on the way out to the car. Ludwig asks Jules to pick Felicia up from her house which makes Jules’ heart jolt – that would involve seeing Lovina. As the Vargas’ front door opens, the nerves dissipate – Felicia comes out alone.

“No Lovina?” She tries to sound nonchalant – probably fails going by the look Ludwig gives her.  
“She’s running late – not ready yet.”

* * *

 

“Fuck, crap, god DAMMIT!”   
“Watch your language, Lovina!”   
Under her breath: “Piss off mum...”

There’s never enough time in the morning – never, ever, ever, enough time. Not for complicated dilemmas, not for losing every pair of socks you own, not for sleeping in or spilling your coffee on your bed (and cat). Luckily it was cold anyway, since she fell asleep drinking it.

She should have left ten minutes ago and yet here she is, standing in the middle of her room in her pants and bra, hair scruffed up, without makeup on. Not ideal.

Her mum has been upstairs twice, prodding at her to get going and Felicia’s left already – Jules picked her up. So now she’s on her own, no ride for school, stressed out and sleepy. She casts about her room for an outfit desperately, eyes wild. There has to be something in this entire room to wear!

“Lovina, you’re supposed to be in registration! Would you hurry up?”   
“Look, mum, I’m doing my best but I swear there’s nothing to wear!”

Totally uninvited, her mum steps in with a stern look on her face only to be caught off guard by her daughter’s severe state of not-ready-for-school-ness. For a brief moment her face softens before disguising it again with a disappointed mum face. “You slept in again, didn’t you?” The accusatory tone makes Lovina want to scream – instead, she sits down on the end of her bed in defeat, feeling close to tears.

“Are you trying to dress up for something?” Should she answer yes or no? She doesn’t know what to answer if her mum asks her what the occasion is – there’s possibly no occasion, at this rate. She nods slowly – maybe her mum wouldn’t see. She struggles to lie to her mum.  
“Ooh, what is it?” It’s a little insulting how excited her mum sounds about the prospect of Lovina doing something outside of school and home. Gritting her teeth to hold back the indignation, she tries to think of a reply. In this time, apparently her mum’s mind has been far away. “Is it a date?”   
“No! I mean, yes... Maybe? It’s a sort of date.”  
“Who is it, then? Who’s the lucky boy?”   
“I’m not telling you that!”   
“What, why?!”  
“Mum!”

Thinking she has a date with a boy, her mum is suddenly enthusiastic to help her get ready. In fact, Lovina can’t dislodge her from the room. Soon she’s laying out an outfit on the bed, even the shoes, giving her advice for doing her hair and makeup.   
“Yeah, yeah, thanks mum – look, can I just get ready now?”  
“Okay, hurry up though! You’re really late.”   
“As if I need you to tell me that...” She complains softly once her mum has shut the door.

Considering the outfit laid out on the stripped bed, Lovina sighs – her mum has a decent fashion sense, at least. She yanks the collared dress on and steps into her brown ankle boots before attempting to do her makeup and hair. It takes a grand total of 20 minutes to be pleased with how she looks when she hauls herself downstairs, finally ready for school. Picking up her bag, she receives a ‘good luck’ from her mum before she leaves the house.

* * *

 

School is painful – 2 new assignments for over the weekend, which leach her excitement away. Excitement, or nerves? Who knows. The end of the day is fast approaching now and there’s a weird feeling in Jules’ stomach that maths isn’t helping to dissipate. Leaning her face on her palm, she knows she attracts attention when the bell rings and she jolts out of her seat.

“In a hurry, Miss Beilschmidt?” Her maths teacher queries sarcastically. “I haven’t finished – sit down.”   
“But sir, I-“  
“Miss Beilschmidt. Sit.” Looking down at her desk, Jules softly kisses her teeth in disdain. She barely pays attention to the two minutes of lecturing then the further five minutes of scolding over test marks and an assumed lack of revision. She looks at her mark – top of the class, probably – disinterestedly, passes it back to the bastard of a teacher and snatches her homework from his hand. She packs it away in her bag as she takes the stairs two at a time, leaving the class far behind her before people can even reach the door. She hopes Lovina hasn’t left without her.

Which she has. The school lobby is quiet, only a few loiterers still behind, leaving Jules to look around feeling sick and sad and disappointed. What now?

She sits in the cafeteria for ten minutes until the cleaners come in to stack the chairs before begrudgingly trotting down to the car park. No one has appeared by the front entrance for her – just her luck.

Sliding into her car, feeling dejected, she pulls out of her phone to check her messages. Opening up Lovina’s folder, she quickly scrolls up for directions to the cafe – might as well go and get herself some lunch. Maybe Ludwig won’t find out she got stood up and not try to pity her or make her feel better. It probably won’t work.

The driving takes her mind off things a bit and she feels herself unwind into the seat, working the pedals, changing gears without thought. She has her work with her – she could tackle one of the heinous assignments over lunch and coffee. She brought enough money for two, after all – she can stay a while.

Upon arrival at the small, kind of stuffy cafe, Jules orders herself a large latte and a BLT, toasted, without the tomato, and sits down in the corner furthest from the door. Her coffee steams on the far side of the table as she slaps a couple of books down, making ripples on the frothy top. Rifling for a pen, she tries not to think about Lovina and how she totally ditched her and how she’s pretty much not okay with that and the fact that she’s sulking like a little kid but probably won’t do anything about it.

The BL(not)T arrives at the same time as the door opens, tinkling the little bell. Jules looks up to thank the waitress bringing the food before looking down and scribbling out equations, half concentrating. She nearly topples the table when a book bag slams down on the laminate top, making her pen rattle out of her hand. She’s staring at a familiar bag and folio folder, the charcoal colour of a dress’s skirt.

“You were supposed to wait for me, you idiot!”   
“Lovina?!”   
“What, who do you think it is, Santa Claus? Where the hell were you! It took me like, 40 minutes to get here! I had to take the _bus!”_  
“Hey, I waited, what are you-“  
“And the only reason I knew you were here is because your brother said you weren’t at home! What the hell?! Didn’t you want to hang out any more or something? Because I feel like this isn’t the best hiding place, you absolute tool!”

The total shock of Lovina’s appearance is still wearing off. Her latte has dribbled down the ceramic mug onto the table and some of her books – her maths lies forgotten. The sandwich is untouched.   
“You weren’t in the lobby when I got there, I got there late because –“  
“Why did you just leave?!”  
“I was in the cafeteria for like twenty minutes after the bell!”   
“I _told you_ I had to go to art after school to pick up my goddamn folio and see my teacher!”

Oh crap, she did tell her that – it was in the last text she sent. Jules feels stupider than stupid, blushing profusely as she looks down at her equations with sudden interest.  
“Well, sorrrr-eeee...” She grumbles petulantly.  
“At least you ordered me something.” Lovina harrumphs as she sits down, sweeping Jules’ latte away from her and taking a drink. “Christ, what’s up with all the goddamn milk? Can I just get a coffee instead?”   
“Well the latte was supposed to be _mine_ so... Why don’t you get it yourself?”  
“What, you’re gonna make me walk all the way here and not even buy me a fucking drink?”  
“Christ, take my purse, go buy something.”

When Lovina comes back with a tray covered in pastries and cakes, a coffee with a couple of biscuits on the saucer in the middle, Jules regrets what she said. She eyes the laden tray with disbelief – how much could that have cost?! She doubts she has much left in her purse. She’s unzipping the change compartment, dreading what she’ll see, when Lovina rolls her eyes.  
“I know the guy who owns the cafe – he’s friends with my dad. I get free cakes.”   
“Oh thank god.”  
“I’m not a brat, thanks – I wouldn’t spend ALL of your money.”

The two sit and eat their respective lunches – a sandwich for Jules, who is still somewhat catatonic from the sudden presence of Lovina and a lot of cake, and cakes for Lovina, who looks stressed, tired and pissed off (as usual). Neither has much to say – the odd word on the weather, school, their siblings. Once the food and drinks are finished, they sit in an awkward silence.   
“So – have you got any other plans today?” Lovina finally looks up from the stained espresso mug.  
“No, you?”  
“No... I think I’m going to catch up on The Walking Dead tonight.”  
“That stuff is just senseless gore.” The complaining tone isn’t missed – Jules raises an eyebrow.  
“Does it scare you?” She’s only semi mocking the other girl.  
“No! It’s just gross!”   
“Suuuure.”  The glare Lovina shoots at Jules from over the top of her phone is barely threatening but the intent is still there. It doesn’t lessen Jules’ feeling of accomplishment at learning something new about her.

The folio Lovina brought in with her is propped against her seat, a plain black folder zipped up, innocently concealing what’s inside. Jules eyes it curiously, wondering at what Lovina might draw for her folio. Ludwig has shown her pictures of Felicia’s folio – cleverly drawn glass bottles reflecting light, her own reflection in the water of a puddle, a dog asleep, a still life of a dinner table, set, with plates of pasta. It’s well done – Jules considers if Lovina might be as good, or better? Lovina catches her gaze and follows it to the folio.   
“Can I-“  
“No.”  
“Oh. Okay.” Jules knows better than to pry into people’s creative works, though she feels so interested it hurts. Lovina assesses Jules’ face critically, watching emotions flicker there, suppressing the wish to keep trying to convince her.   
“Fine, fine, you can look at it.”

Jules’ face lights up brilliantly which appeases some of Lovina’s nerves as she lifts up the bulging folder at her side, straining a little. As she does this, Jules hurriedly clears plates, cutlery, the mugs onto the plastic tray and slides it to the furthest end of the table to make room. The tan girl lays the folio down on its back to unzip it, having to stretch her arm to the furthest parts. A brief opening shows Jules how many sheets of paper are enclosed within, separated from each other in plastic folders to keep graphite, charcoal, pastels from transferring between pieces.   
“Look, don’t laugh or anything... I’m not that good.” Lovina doesn’t present her art, she simply turns the open side to Jules and snatches up her purse to go and get another coffee. She takes the plastic tray up with her and Jules watches her go, startled by the departure.

She slides her hand into the folio and slips out the first thing she touches. The piece is done in oil pastel, a small sticky note on the back written in slanted font informs her. A pair of hands, palms facing the viewer, with ink stains across the fingers and dry skin on the heel. Bitten hangnails are just visible, carefully picked out. Jules being someone who can barely draw a stick man, is amazed by the quality of the art.

The next is a vase full of flowers, the water misty, and the flowers bursting from the top. It’s done in watercolour, the same font tells her curtly. Some folders are filled with printed photos and some of the photos have had gridlines drawn onto them. A picture of Francine and Isobel is divvied up as if on graph paper – the girls are hanging on the edge of a pool, submerged in blue water up to their chests. Francine’s hair is tied in a tight top knot whereas Isobel’s fans out behind her atop the rippling water. They both wear brightly coloured bikinis and smile widely. No matter how hard Jules tries, she can’t find Lovina’s drawing of this one in the folio.

Cats stretching out their paws, coins falling into a fountain, patterned throws tossed over a chair, a woman Jules doesn’t know looking out of a window. Finally, having saved this picture for last, Jules starts to pull out the largest piece which is encased in a plastic folder like many of the others.   
“Don’t look at that one!”

Jules gasps as she looks up, not having seen Lovina approach. On a tray are two mugs – a spiced chai tea latte for Lovina and a large latte for Jules. Cupping her latte gratefully, Jules watches Lovina’s nervous movements from across the table.  
“They’re amazing. You’re so good.” Lovina looks embarrassed at the compliment, but her pleasure at them is not hidden either.   
“I don’t like them all.”  
“Well, you should – I haven’t found a single bad piece in here.” Jules tells her with vindication, determined that Lovina believe what she thinks. “Hey, I found one of your photos but I couldn’t find the drawing of it.” Jules reaches in, resisting the urge to peek at the forbidden picture. She fishes out the photo of the two girls in the pool. “Is it lost?”

Lovina eyes the photos, lips on the edge of her mug. She shakes her head, reaching out and taking it from Jules. Finishing her sip, she places it down. “I gave the picture away. This shouldn’t be in there.” Lovina places the photo on the plastic tray, tossing a napkin she used to mop up a small spill on top of it.   
“Hey, do you want to bin that? Do you have another copy?”  
“It’s on my phone.” Lovina replies quietly, searching to change the subject. Jules looks guiltily at the photo, almost wishing she hadn’t brought it up. She had forgotten that Isobel might have been a touchy subject, even if they conversation hadn’t been about her specifically.   
“Have you been okay?” Jules asks softly, awkwardly, staring into her latte. It makes her feel bitter when she thinks of Lovina pining after Isobel, even if it’s not right or kind to.   
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, what with, uh, Isobel gone... Aren’t you lonely? I’ve seen you at lunch.” Lovina is visibly tensing and even though Jules obviously means well, she can barely contain her urge to shout at her. No, of course she’s not okay. How could anyone be okay after all the weird, teenage drama that’s been swirling around everything she knows like a hurricane? She bites her tongue on these angry thoughts because she knows it can’t be Jules’ fault. Not all of it.

Jules waits in an awkward silence for Lovina to reply, sensing the internal storm. Lovina seems to be chewing something over before she replies, her eyes dancing over Jules and into the background as if it contains her answer.  
“I guess I’m alright.” She answers at last. Jules thought they had opened up more than that and hadn’t expected a blatant lie. The tension is palpable, so Lovina goes on. “Isobel is gone. It’s been weird but I can’t do anything about it. She doesn’t want to see me anymore and she can’t. Also, it wasn’t her decision to move. Maybe we could have fixed it if she hadn’t left, but that’s... whatever. I guess I’ve been thinking about it too much and I need to let it go kind of thing.”   
“Why let it go if it’s not resolved?” She challenges, the warm kindness cooling.  
“Because that’s how I’ve decided to go about it.” Lovina’s jaw is set determinedly and Jules sighs, reclining in her seat. There’s no talk for a while – Lovina stares at the tray, Jules stares at Lovina’s folder. It’s hard to tell what either is thinking as they pull inwards, away from each other.   


“Is it your final piece I’m not allowed to see?” Jules questions, not meaning to sound pissed off at Lovina. She picks up the annoyance, though, in the whip-like quality to her voice and tense jaw. Worse are the eyes, empty and guarded.   
“Yeah.” She nods, studying Jules closely, guessing at her thoughts.   
“Is it finished yet?”  
“No. Barely started.” Her voice is stiff.  
“Isn’t the due date pretty soon? I think Ludwig said, two weeks?”  
“Two weeks yesterday, yeah.”  
“Ludwig says Felicia’s is done now. I’ve seen her folio too. Amazing stuff, right?” Lovina’s eyes are steely now – everyone knows how much she hates to be compared to her sister, who has always seemed to outshine her at everything.  
“What are you getting at?” She snaps, not hiding her anger.

Jules watches her and wonders if she ought to keep going. Somehow she feels angry with Lovina, even though all she’s done is push her away as if that’s new for them. She wants to break into her head and hear her, what she truly thinks for once. It’s so hard to hear thoughts untainted by her filter for Jules, who wonders if this is what it’s like for everyone talking to Lovina. They are in a quiet standoff now, both eyeing the other carefully, anger flaring on both sides.  
“Nothing.” Jules tries to cut off the brewing argument, but without much feeling. Lovina thinks that Jules would have liked to take it farther, which numbs her to any reconciliation or the effects of what would be an unsaid ‘sorry’.

She’s torn between slapping Jules and storming off – her pride is hurt, having her art placed against Felicia’s in a comparison she feels she can’t ever come out the better. She has _never_ come out the better when compared with Felicia, she thinks, soured by resentment. Bitterness eases her words from her tongue – she wants to run.  
“I should go.”

Jules rushes to get up and pack away her things. “Where are you going?” She queries, annoyance taking a back seat to guilt and regret. Lovina obviously took the nipping to heart and now she realises she might have been too harsh, to compare Lovina with her sister. Jules should know as well as anyone that being compared to a sibling, especially a younger one, is not a fun experience. Ludwig has always come out on top with her, too – stronger, faster, more businesslike, less emotional, smarter, more beautiful. Every quality her dad, the only parent she can pretend to know, valued most. She could slap herself for being so stupid. The move was too low a blow and she feels ashamed. Lovina barely looks at her as she zips up her folder and gets ready to leave.  
“Home, probably. The art store first. Why?” Jules hopes it’s her imagination that conjures the tears gathering at the corners of Lovina’s eyes.  
“I can take you. I’ve got the car.”   
“Thanks, but I can get there on my own.” Jules is taken aback by the rebuke, which is blunter than she could have expected but not blunter than she deserved. She doesn’t say anything more for a few, only watching Lovina pull her bag onto her shoulders, chewing her lip in consternation.  
“Look, I’m sorry.” She blurts as Lovina starts away, stepping around the table to follow. “I was an idiot, there’s no way I should have said any of that.”  
“Any of what?” Lovina tosses back, playing dumb as she keeps on walking. Jules tags after her like a puppy desperate for forgiveness.   
“Any of – you know what I’m talking about, don’t pull that stuff. I’m apologising, please –“

By now they’re outside of the cafe but not by far, and Lovina hasn’t looked back yet. Jules wants to redeem herself somehow, still shocked that she could put her foot in it as decidedly as she had. “Why won’t you look at me?” She finally snaps, her helplessness caving in to anger. “I’m trying to apologise because I compared you with your sister and that was a shit move. But I don’t know why I’m still talking –you never forgive me. I don’t think I’ve been forgiven for anything that’s happened between us.”  
Jules now looks for a way to turn the blame that in many ways should be shared, the blame she initially took on herself alone. Lovina rounds on her now that they’ve turned the corner of the street, fierce even though she’s dewy eyed.  
“Why should I forgive you? You’ve barely managed to say sorry and straight away you’ve ruined it. It always has to end up about you. It was _you_ who was a shit to _me_ back there but now you’re giving _me_ crap for it? What does it matter what happened every other time, for all those things that ‘happened between us’? I wanted to hang out with you – I turned up. Isn’t that enough? But no, instead you act as if you deserve forgiveness, but forgiveness isn’t free. You haven’t earned anything from me. Don’t be so selfish.”

Jules can’t help but start at being called selfish or at how well thought out and sharp the rebuke was. She would consider the words further, but she’s angry and it’s so easy to retaliate when you’re angry – without thought or reason.  
“Selfish? You’re the selfish one! Running away from your problems as if that’ll make them go away, when everyone else involved is still trying to make sense of it. It’s not fair – I’ve tried so damn hard to build a bridge but you’re hiding from me. You’re hiding from everything.”

People are looking at them now and when Lovina spots Jules’ car in the parking lot she makes a beeline for it, against her initial will, to avoid embarrassing herself in public. Jules follows and unlocks the car, slamming the door behind her as she sits down.  
“What, and you’re not hiding too? You say you saw me at lunch, but did you see me on all the days you didn’t come into school? You’ve barely been there.”  
“Sorry but I was the one who texted you and asked to meet up – not the other way around. You act so high and mighty as if I don’t really deserve your company and that this is some sort of pity hang out but you haven’t got a queue out the door or anything. You complain about not having anyone to open up to and here I am and I’m offering and this is what I get? No wonder people are going in the other direction.”  
“We both know you texted me because Ludwig bullied you into it – Felicia isn’t quiet on the phone. It’s not like that, god damn it! You’re not offering because you’re interested in me, you’re offering because you’re still chasing after a connection that isn’t fucking there. We’re not going to get together, Jules – not if I show you my final piece, not if I tell you everything that happened between me and Isobel, not if I pour my heart out to you. Why can’t you see it? We can’t even be around each other without arguing. How could I love you?!”

Jules stares silently for what feels like a long time. To begin with her jaw is slack and indignant. Then the words sink into her like poison and her lips purse together in a tight line, the hurt swimming below the surface, barely contained. Lovina is panting in the passenger seat, adrenaline rushing through her and her heart rate raised tenfold. She can’t even remember everything she said, just knows they were unkind and that she lost her temper and went beyond what needed to be said. Already the rush is being overtaken by the regret. As Lovina watches, Jules is building a wall around herself, higher and higher. She feels as if she would be able to feel it if she reached out

Lovina’s already considering trying to amend what she said when Jules gets in before her.  
“Get out.” Jules doesn’t seem to be able to see Lovina as she sits there, watching her hands which sit lifeless in her lap.  
“Jules, I –“ She begins to gasp.  
“I said get out.” Her tone is heavy. The pain comes creeping into her voice as she goes on, sparks flying.  “Get out now before I make you. Get out of my car, get away from me, get out, get out, GET OUT.”

The scream still reverberates in Lovina’s skull after she’s stumbled into the car park. Tears are streaming down Jules’ face before Lovina can even shut the door and Lovina wants to beg her to let her back in, wants to make it better. In Lovina’s mind she’s trying to find a way to stop Jules from driving – the girl is shaking too badly for it to be safe. But there’s no hesitation in Jules as she starts the car and pulls away, flooring the accelerator, the tires blowing dust and gravel up at Lovina, leaving her alone in the ringing silence.


	8. Chapter 8

The tears were exhausting and Lovina was in such a state that she couldn’t read the bus timetable in the shelter. There was no one there to ask for a tissue so she resorted to using her sleeve, and instead of doing the sensible thing and waiting at the stop for the next bus she decides to walk home. It’s a long walk – a couple of hours at the slow pace she’s moving at – but the fresh air (she hopes) will clear her head.

It feels like forever, walking along dirty high streets which give way to rundown residential areas, which turn to a small crappy overgrown footpath, wet with recent rains she can’t remember. She passes the school on her way and curses it for the weight of the bags she’s carrying, her hands delicate and red due to the rough handle of her art folder. Trekking through urban and suburban areas, she eventually gets home, to her quiet, dusty street where she finally manages to feel safe.

The tears have long since run out, mascara tracks riddling her cheeks, dried onto tan skin. All the effort she put in to today has been for nought – in her head she thought it would be a date – a successful one at that. Then she denounced the idea of ever wanting to date Jules aloud, _to_ Jules’ face. It really is her fault that it came to this. She said some stupid stuff she didn’t mean.

The door to the house swings open, giving way to a warm gust probably coming from the kitchen and the scent of herbs. Surprisingly it seems her dad is home before 7 o’clock – Lovina can hear his voice, low and melodic, in the dining room. The door to the dining room is closed and as she shuts the front door behind her she perks up her ears, trying to hear what’s going on – the dining room door being closed is the sign for a ‘serious chat’, usually between her parents. Eventually she hears her mum speak - her voice is strained and high, as it is when she’s stressed.

Lovina drops her bag at the foot of the stairs and throws her coat over the banister. Leaving her shoes on the bottom step, she starts upstairs, resolving that she has enough problems without listening in to her parents’ ones. Then she reaches the landing to see Felicia standing in the entryway to her room, the door ajar. Felicia seems to have been waiting for her to get home – Lovina wonders if things are more serious than she thought?

“Everything okay?” Lovina croaks, surprised she has a voice after the shouting and crying from earlier. She hopes that Felicia doesn’t question the fact that she’s obviously been crying – she hasn’t got the energy to explain it all. So caught up in her own turmoil, she takes longer than usual to notice the guilt written on her sister’s features.  
“Lovina, I...” Felicia starts awkwardly, barely able to look her in the face. The minute Felicia utters her name, Lovina knows the problem concerns her. Panic is already rising up in her throat.  
“What happened, what is it?” Felicia shushes her frantically, looking between Lovina’s face and the downstairs, hoping not to attract their parent’s attention.  
“Quiet, they’ll hear you! Oh, Lovina I’m so sorry...”  The younger looks to be on the verge of tears by now, barely able to contain herself. Lovina’s breath comes fast and erratic, her heart rate increasing to a gallop.  
“Felicia...” Lovina’s tone is threatening – she needs to know what happened, _now_. Felicia whimpers in response, struggling to find the words. After some deliberation she ushers Lovina into her room, closing the door behind them.

“Look, I know you’re going to be mad but I really didn’t mean for this to happen, I really didn’t. It just kind of slipped out and usually they wouldn’t even notice because they never really listen but somehow, this time-“  
“Get to the point!” Lovina forces out.  
“Well basically mum was telling dad you had a date today and they asked me if I knew who it was, and-“  
“Oh, God-“  
“Well I just said ‘Jules, from school’ and dad was like ‘Jules?’ And I was like ‘Yeah!’ But then I realised what I had done, and he was like ‘Jules as in, Julia? As in... A girl?’ And by now like, it was too late, and I just, I mean, well I never meant to tell them, I-“  
“Felicia, no-“ Lovina moans, head in her hands, feeling that she might pass out. Her mother’s family, as in her grandparents, aunts and uncles on that side of the family are Roman Catholic. Already the horror stories she’s heard of people coming out to their homophobic families are swirling in her head.  
“Well mum, she just stood there and she looked confused and then she kind of put her hand, like, over her mouth like,” Felicia mimics their mother but Lovina can’t appreciate how good the impression is. “And dad didn’t really say anything either, just looked at mum worried and then he like, excused them both and took mum into the dining room and shut the door on me and now, well, it’s been an hour and oh my god Lovina I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to do!”

By now Felicia is in floods of tears and Lovina feels like she’s been turned to stone. She stands mechanically, forcing herself not to scream or cry, at or with her sister. She’s lost in her thoughts now, terrified – what if her parents hate her? What if they never want anything to do with her again? What if they kick her out? She has to get out of here quick, before the inevitable confrontation comes.

“Lovina, where are you _going_?” Sobs Felicia, standing and following her sister into the other room. Lovina tips the contents of a bag onto her unmade bed then sets it down and goes to the wardrobe, staring emptily at the contents. Felicia stands at the foot of the bed, watching her intently. “Lovina, what are you doing?”

Her sister sounds shaken and frightened, sniffling into her sleeve in the background. Lovina wants to be angry at her, truly, but when she thinks of how her sister looked when confessing, she can’t. She looked terrified, guilty, like she was on the verge of full blown panic, sitting cross legged in a big jumper, a skirt and fluffy socks. She looked so young and naive that it hurt to think about – Lovina wants to give her a hug rather than shout at her, to try and convince her it will all be okay. However, the truth is that things might _not_ be okay and Lovina doesn’t have the heart to lie to her.

“Packing.” She answers at last in a stiff voice. She needs to stay calm for now, until she gets out, or it’ll impede on her escape.  
“Where are you going?” Knowing that Felicia will try and stop her going if she thinks it’s anything permanent, Lovina mulls over an answer as she gathers up a couple shirts and pants into her bag, followed by jeans and socks.  
“Just away. Not for long.” But the answer is too vague and Felicia is too afraid to let it drop.  
“Lovina, no, it’ll all be okay, I’ll stick up for you, you know I will, and I’m sure they won’t mind, it’ll be alright, you don’t need to leave! Please stay, please, I’m so sorry-“

Lovina doesn’t reply, instead carrying her bag into the bathroom to grab her toothbrush. Felicia tails after her, pleading all the while. When she starts to follow Lovina downstairs, the older girl turns around sharply with a finger to her lips. She doesn’t want to be intercepted when she’s so close to getting out. She picks up her phone and purse from her school bag, yanking her shoes back on and pulling on her coat. Felicia watches the scene in dismay – their parents are still talking in the dining room but neither girl can make out what is being said. The whispering only fills Lovina with further dread.

In a last ditch attempt, Felicia hugs Lovina tight, nearly toppling her over. “Don’t go, don’t go, please just stay here and we’ll sort everything out.”  
Lovina disentangles herself from her sister’s hold, firmly but not unkindly. Felicia can see from her expression that her mind is made up, yet still follows her to the door, quietly begging her not to go and apologising profusely, again and again.  
“Look, I have my phone so I’ll call you later, when I find somewhere to stay. Don’t tell mum and dad what’s happened, tell them I’m staying at Francine’s. Stay here now, okay?” Felicia’s lower lip trembles uncontrollably, eyes watering. She nods reluctantly, holding tight onto Lovina’s hand. “I don’t blame you, okay? I’m not mad.” Lovina adds, hoping to relieve some of her sister’s guilt.  
“I’m really sorry...”  
“It’s okay. I forgive you. I’m gonna go now, okay? I love you. See you later.”  
“Love you too, bye.” Felicia chokes out, sniffling again.

Lovina is at the bottom of the driveway when Felicia calls out again, causing the older girl to jump and glance to the dining room window in worry.  
“Go to Ludwig’s house, him and Jules will look after you!”

Lovina doesn’t say she will, just forces a smile before running off in the opposite direction from the Beilschmidt  house. Felicia doesn’t notice.

* * *

 

No one is picking up their phone. Lovina has been wandering around aimlessly for a couple of hours, after walking as far away from her own residential area as she could. She still hasn’t cried – what happened doesn’t seem to have computed yet, though she has no doubt it will soon.

It was a long shot but she started with calling Francine. The call went straight to voicemail which makes Lovina wince – Francine could be harsh if you displeased her. Then she calls Madeleine, whose phone rings but she doesn’t pick up. Lovina vaguely remembers her mentioning that she goes to some extracurricular thing after school on a Friday, so she doesn’t hold it against her. She doesn’t even bother trying to call Bella. Alice picks up but is at a family gathering thing – she sounds genuinely sorry when she turns Lovina away. Amelia doesn’t pick up, even though Alice said she would.

Left to walk through areas she doesn’t know with a heavy bag on her back, Lovina is constantly looking over her shoulder. Once, she’s certain she sees the Beilschmidt car approaching and dives behind a tree, breathing heavily. Part of her is annoyed with her reaction – no matter what happened between her and Jules, having somewhere to stay is more important than avoiding further feuds. When she resurfaces, the car is gone – too late. She refuses to swallow her pride and call Jules or Ludwig, either.

The sky is bruising, a palette of oranges and purples like an explosion above Lovina’s head. Her head is clouded, exhausted from how emotionally charged the day has been.

* * *

 

In the end it didn’t matter. Or at least, it wouldn’t matter. Jules knows this - she keeps telling herself again and again in her head for the first while.

She spent the first ten minutes at home just sitting in the driver’s seat, still gripping the steering wheel as when she’d left Lovina, like she’s going to jerk it. Her breathing comes ragged and she can taste blood where she bit into her lip, braking too hard at a junction. Her whole body shakes as she sits there, staring at the dashboard, travelling at 0mph. Finally she steps out, feeling silly for dressing up now. The dogs are waiting when she gets in and even though she doesn’t feel like it, she still fusses over them when they jump up to greet her.

“Hey guys, hey, hey, I see you! Hey, c’mon – get off me! Where’s Luddy, huh? Where is he, girls?” She coos, crouching down to receive the big wet kisses they fall over each other to give her. It becomes apparent after a few minutes that Ludwig isn’t at home.

There’s a note on the kitchen counter, barely legible and pinned down by Ludwig’s plain wire frame glasses. She has to lean in close to the paper to make out the scrawl, eventually perching his glasses on her nose to help. Ludwig’s handwriting is the only untidy thing about him, but today it’s even worse than usual – she knows from that that something has to be wrong.

She can make out a few words, which form a disjointed sentence. ‘ _Had to go, Feli, important, crying. Back later.’_ Her first reaction is to grab her car keys and drive out to help; at least that way he would have the car. There’s a second sheet of paper underneath the first note, though, saying something about a car – she has to squint to try and make it out. ‘ _dad’s car. Need it. Don’t tell.’_

So it’s serious – he must have really needed a car to have taken dad’s one. Their dad worships his cars more than he cares for his family and always kept track of the exact number of miles he left it with. Jules knew she would be the one taking the hit when they’re dad got back and found the numbers different. Cussing under her breath, she doesn’t even consider that this could be to do with Lovina.

It didn’t bode well thinking about it, and anyway, Lovina had made it clear she didn’t want anything to do with her. She would have called for help if it was urgent, also. Instead of standing around full of nervous energy, she trails from kitchen to bathroom, deciding to wash off the last of her makeup – it feels cakey and ridiculous now, like clown paint. She can’t believe she felt pretty this morning. Next to go are her clothes, exposing her inked skin to the cold air as she drops the carefully planned outfit to the floor with no intention to put them away. In her sweats and a baggy t-shirt, with her hair out of her face she feels much better.

The dogs are in the kitchen when she gets back, sitting waiting by their leashes with wide, hopeful eyes. Jules succumbs to their cuteness and picks up the leashes and a couple of tennis balls. “Come on, girls!” She commands as she heads for the door, knowing the dogs will follow dutifully.

Outside, Jules starts to jog. She doesn’t know where she’s going, but she wants to be as far from her house, from the school, from Lovina and Felicia and even Ludwig. Sometimes all of the problems build up like white noise in her head – she needs the wind rushing by her to clear it. Before long, the dogs are bounding ahead, fetching the tennis balls she throws.

She doesn’t notice where she’s running, not bothering to think up routes or even a specific direction. She hasn’t got a plan of when she wants to get back to the house, just monitors how much energy her dogs have left. She doesn’t mean to take the next left and curve back to somewhere familiar – she means to get as far away from everyone she knows as possible. Instead, she finds herself looking down the street and seeing the Vargas household looming. When she recognises it, she resolves to run straight past but as she grows closer, she notices the front door is wide open and Felicia and Ludwig sit on the porch step. Huffing and panting, she grudgingly halts.

“Lud, Feli – what’s happening?” Just as it said in Ludwig’s note, Felicia is crying quite ferociously. The dogs sniff at her eagerly, slobbering onto her shaking hands. Ludwig regards Jules with at first surprise and then relief. Between sniffles, Felicia looks up at her through the tears, also seeming happy to see her.  
“O-oh, Jules, th-thank _goodness_ you’re here! I-I need you to know that I-I didn’t m-mean it, please don’t be m-mad at me! I- ... Well, I mean, I... O-oh my God I’m so sorry!” Both Jules and Ludwig appear startled by the sudden outburst of emotion as Felicia doubles over, sobbing. Tentatively rubbing Feli’s back, Ludwig takes over.  
“Felicia told her parents about you and Jules.”  
“So?” Jules interjects, stingy over the fact that there _is_ no ‘her and Jules’ now. Ludwig gives her a stern look for jumping in, making her shut up.  
“ _So,_ Lovina hadn’t told her parents she isn’t straight. From what Felicia has told me,” he glances briefly at his girlfriend, who still has her face buried in her hands, “her parents are quite conservative... And Roman Catholic, on her mother’s side. So it’s a big deal.”  
“Does Lovina know?” Ludwig begins to look awkward now – Jules can feel her stomach tighten in concern despite her attempts to remain angry over the rejection.

There’s silence between the three for a moment. Jules can feel her nerves heighten, while Ludwig concentrates on stroking Felicia’s back soothingly. He’s avoiding something, Jules knows it. Felicia peeks up at her with bloodshot eyes from between her fingers, her hands still over her face.  
“Y-Yeah...” Felicia whispers, closing her fingers over her eyes again. Ludwig tightens his arm around her shoulders.  
“Lovina packed a bag and ran out when she found out. She thinks her parents will be angry. More than angry.”

  
Lovina had ran away. Jules can’t believe it. She simply stares at her brother blankly for a moment, still holding a tennis ball in one hand. The dogs are sniffing around her legs now, impatient to move on. She looks up and down the street – the car is parked two doors away.  
“Have you been looking for her?” Ludwig nods reluctantly. Felicia glances up again, slowly overcoming her outburst. “Where did you look?” She persists, her anxiety only increasing.  
“Everywhere. Felicia thought she saw her once, but when we got out and looked... Well. That was pretty far away anyway. She wouldn’t have been that far away then, surely, but now, I don’t know.”  
“Take the dogs back to the house, ok? I’m going to try and find her. I might have better luck. I’m taking the car.” Ludwig looks ready to protest, but Felicia looks up graciously and smiles, somewhat snotty and tearful still.  
“Thank you so much. Please find her.”

Jules presses the tennis balls and leashes into Ludwig’s hands, picking the keys up off the step next to him. “I’ll see you later. Take Felicia to ours and get her something to eat. Love you.”

She doesn’t wait for an answer, turns and jogs over to the car after shooing the dogs away. She slides into the leather seat, not being soothed at all by the pristine interior, the low mileage, her dad’s smell. Jules shouldn’t be in here. She knows her dad will find out, further she knows that when her dad finds out it will be her who will take the blame, without question. Biting back her fears, she starts the car and pulls away from the Vargas house. She glances back frequently until her brother and Felicia are out of sight, retreating down the street with the dogs. She needs to find Lovina – she needs to put all of her emotions aside and find her. She can’t be far.


	9. Chapter 9

Lovina doesn’t know what to say – she’s embarrassed and feels like a drowned rat. The bathroom is her refuge from other people. All of the searching looks and silent questions are grating on her nerves and she thinks she’s going to lose it soon.

The rain is relentless but Lovina can’t see it through the frosted window. She sits cross-legged on the tiles while she wraps her soaking hair up in a towel. She can’t stop sniffling. The day has been so incredibly long and now that she’s found a quiet place to hide, she can hardly bring herself to move. Maria Edelstein’s house took ages to get to but luckily her cousin was around to let her in out of the rain.

The rain started at quarter past seven and battered through Lovina’s coat and dress instantly. Soon, the cold felt like it had gotten to her bones. Once she made it to Maria’s house she was shivering uncontrollably, having spent two hours out in the wind by then. No questions were asked – Maria let her in and didn’t even remind her to wipe her feet on the doormat.

Making it upstairs to the bathroom without bursting into tears wasn’t easy but Lovina’s pride can’t be underestimated. Maria had disappeared to make a pot of tea so Lovina hopes she didn’t hear her crying.

Right now, a hot bath would be great – she still feels chilled to the core. Maybe she’ll get a cold thanks to her seasonally inappropriate clothing. Cussing quietly, she listens to the rain and the cars outside. Lovina’s life feels over but everyone else is still chugging along. She isn’t sure if she finds that comforting. Pulling herself to her feet with a groan, she looks at her reflection in the mirror critically. She’s a sight for sore eyes at the moment with her puffy, blotchy face, all wind battered and tear stained. Grimacing at the thought of what Maria would think of her obvious weakness, she makes an attempt at cleaning herself up.

Once done, she fixes her reflection with a stern look and sets her shoulders determinedly.   
“You will be fine. It’s all going to be okay. Just wait and see.”

Having her hair dried and up in a bun improves her mood tenfold. Not having makeup all over the place also helps. But the soggy clothes aren’t doing anything for her. Making use of the clothes she packed earlier, she gets changed into joggies and a t-shirt and wraps her wet clothes up in her used towel.

Once she’s out of the bathroom, Lovina considers the house she’s hiding out in. She’s pretty surprised by the size – a little on the small size. The Vargas family haven’t visited at the Edelstein house for a long time, since Marianna (Maria’s mum) and Roderich (her dad) divorced six years ago. Maria and her mum moved to a more central area after that and Lovina had never been to see it. It’s nice – cosier than the last house. All the same, she doesn’t know which room is Maria’s.

While she snoops around, Lovina tries to remember what she had heard her parents talking about to do with the Edelsteins. She knows that Marianna has had a string of unsuccessful relationships and that recently she nearly remarried to a Spanish man. Maria is a very closed book, though – it’s hard to know how this is affecting her, if at all.

 “The tea’s cold.” Maria announces as Lovina finally finds the right door. She doesn’t seem angry, just apologetic.  
“Sorry I took so long.” Lovina feels awkward, like she’s talking to a stranger. She doesn’t know why she decided to come here in the first place.  
“That’s okay – you must have been freezing. Were you out for long?”  
“A few hours I think. I came from my house.”   
“Lovina, that’s miles – couldn’t you have taken a cab?” Lovina only shrugs, fidgeting.

Sitting down on the ornate rug spread on the floor, she hugs her knees to her chest. Maria sits at her desk silently – neither knows what to say. Lovina can see that Maria is looking for a tactful way to ask what the hell is going on.

 “Sorry for just turning up.” Lovina sighs, not knowing what to tell Maria. She wants to tell someone what’s going on, but she feels weird here. Out of place. The more she looks around her cousin’s freakishly neat room, or at Maria herself who is perfectly made up, Lovina feels weirdly inadequate.

 “No, that’s fine. I wasn’t doing anything anyway.”  
“I guess it was kind of out of the blue, though.”  
“Well, yeah.”  
“I’m just kind of shaken up right now.”  
“I’m here for you. You can stay as long as you need.” Maria sits down next to her to pull her into a hug, a very affectionate gesture for the two.

Despite her worries, Lovina starts to feel herself loosening off. She smiles at Maria before thinking of the facts.  
“I think my parents are going to kick me out. So I kind of... Like... Ran away, sort of. Temporarily.” Lovina admits, wondering what Maria might think of her being so brash. She can see from her cousin’s face that she’s even more confused than before. “The thing is, I never told them about my sexuality. Then Felicia let on that I was heading out on a date with Jules this afternoon. I mean, it was a big shock to them and when I got home, Feli said that they didn’t look like they took it well.”  
“Don’t you think they might have just been shocked that you never told them?”  
“I don’t know... And that’s the problem. I don’t know what to think. I’m scared they’ll hate me. And the date was a total flunk anyway.”

Maria gives her a bit of a blank look then, as if she’s still piecing things together. Lovina feels intensely uncomfortable under her gaze.  
“Lovi, you think your parents will hate you because you’re gay?” Lovina gives Maria a look like that might be the stupidest question she’s ever been asked. Maria is looking back at her like she’s missing something really obvious.  
“Um, duh. Mum’s like, Roman Catholic. Pretty sure they’re not all about lesbians.” Maria actually rolls her eyes at this.  
“Lovina, your granddad was bisexual and no one even batted an eyelid. I can’t speak for your mum, but your dad was totally fine with it. You need to give him some credit.” It takes a moment for this info to process.  
“But my mum...”   
“I don’t know about her. Maybe your dad can talk her around. If you give her time, I’m sure everything will pan out right.” Maria seems so relaxed about all of this that Lovina feels stupid for being so terrified in the first place. At the same time, she isn’t confident – the thought of going back home after all of this makes her balk.

Maria lets her sit in silence for a little while to think about this. It still doesn’t feel right. The more Lovina reflects on her day, the more problems she’s reminded of. She wants to curl up under her duvet with snacks and her laptop – then she could just recharge with her blog and her food shows. It’s all so tiring.

She’s about to voice her thoughts when someone starts battering at the door. Both Lovina and Maria jump, suddenly alert. Maria is struck dumb for a second before her face morphs into a scowl.  
“Oh for god’s sake.” She snaps, obviously recognising something. She stands up, looking stern as she marches to the door. Lovina waits a few moments before following out of curiosity – who the hell is calling at this hour?

 “Maria, you’ve gotta help me. I’ve been driving for hours. Felicia’s worried sick, Lud keeps calling me because she’s like, hysterical. It’s Lovina, she like ran away and now they’re convinced she isn’t coming back and I said I’d find her but I _can’t_ –“

Jules is in the doorway looking tired and drawn, waving her hands in wild gestures. Maria glances back into the hallway to see Lovina there and steps aside, revealing her. Lovina considers running for it.

“... Lovina?”

Jules’s voice is incredulous. She looks between Lovina and Maria blankly, hands raised mid-gesture. It’s obvious that she’s been panicking beyond measure and Lovina wonders how long she’s been driving around – it’s after 10 now so she’s been ‘on the run’ for hours. Sighing, Lovina knows she won’t run away – not after all the walking she’s done today. She just stands where she is, staring at Jules cautiously, trying to work out if she’s angry.

She can imagine Jules grabbing her by the elbow and dragging her to the car, kicking and screaming. She can also imagine Jules getting sulky and storming to the car to drive away without her in spite. Instead, she does neither of those things, simply drops her arms and says:  
“I’m glad you’re safe.” She doesn’t seem embarrassed by the sincerity of what she’s saying. “Do you want me to tell Feli you’re staying here?”

She thinks about it. Maria’s hospitality has been great but she feels weird about staying for much longer – especially once her mum gets home. Also, a ride home is way better than walking. She just hopes Jules isn’t going to blow up at her in the car.

Lovina looks between Maria and Jules, who look back at her expectantly. While she isn’t sure that she’s making the right decision – and neither of their faces give a hint as to what they want – she goes with her gut feeling.  
“Nah, I guess I’d better get going.” She tries to sound confident even though she doesn’t feel it. She feels a mix of scared, defeated and tired. Turning to collect her stuff, she tries to pull these feelings under control so she doesn’t let them show. She’s fed up of everyone prodding at her today.  
“I’ll wait in the car.”

Lovina takes her time getting everything packed and ready. What if Jules forces her to go back home? What if her parents hate her forever? What if Felicia doesn’t forgive her for making a run for it and stressing her out? Her mind is a whirlwind as she pulls on her sodden shoes and coat.

 “You don’t have to go.” Maria tells her, standing by the front door when Lovina comes downstairs. She can see Jules sitting in the car outside, her wrists slung over the steering wheel.  
“Thanks, but I should get going. You’ve been a great help.” Again she makes it sound like she’s more confident than she feels, but this time she can tell Maria sees through it.  
“Are you going back home?”  
“I don’t know... It looks like it. I’ll give you a call sometime or something.” While this isn’t a promise Lovina tends to hand out freely, Maria’s concern makes her feel like keeping in contact might actually be a good idea. She hates to be a burden, but a friend would be nice. Maria is obviously content to let the subject drop at that.

“Listen, Lovi... I don’t know what happened with Jules. I know you had a date and you said earlier it didn’t go well. What I will say is, I know she likes you so whatever happened, she’ll come around. For now, though, she might be prickly. Try not to take it personally.”

Prickly wasn’t the right word. Jules has Lovina take off her sopping wet shoes before she gets in the car and she gives a few instructions about not touching the windows or the dashboard. Other than that she doesn’t say anything, just pulls away from the kerb and starts driving. Lovina notices that despite how similar it is, this isn’t the car Jules drives to school. The driving feels smoother and it doesn’t smell the same.

The route they’re taking is unfamiliar and Lovina watches the street signs attentively, having nothing else to do. She’s kind of surprised – she’d expected to be posted and packaged to her parents without further delay. Jules pulls over on a side road and cuts the engine, looking at Lovina intently.  
“Where am I taking you?”

Lovina is taken off-guard. She hadn’t realised she was going to have a choice. Suddenly it’s possible that she won’t have to face her fears just yet, a thought that makes her feel more relaxed than she has all day. When she feels Jules expectant gaze on her, she finds herself struggling to make a decision.  
“I didn’t realise I had a choice.”   
“Well I heard that you’re running away these days – so unless you’ve given that up, you won’t want to go home.” Jules doesn’t sound like she’s making fun of her or anything, but when it’s put like that Lovina feels pretty stupid.  
“I wasn’t _running away,_ ” she argues reproachfully, “and it was for a good reason.”  
“Yeah, I heard.” Lovina realises that she might have put her foot in it with that a little bit but she remains stubborn over her mildly bruised pride. “Look, whatever your reasons, you can’t just run off like that and not answer your phone. Felicia is hysterical, I think she’s having a meltdown. She’s your _sister_ for god’s sake.”  
“But my parents...” Jules waves away whatever Lovina’s about to say and clicks her seat back a notch to stretch her legs.

They’re both silent for a while, listening to the rain. Lovina counts her breathing until she feels steady. She just wants to be alone.  
“You don’t have to go home.” Jules finally speaks, staring out the windshield. “If you think your parents will be really angry, that’s like, part my fault, right? I’d be a dick to make you go home. But you have to go somewhere – no more playing street rat.” The stern look she gives Lovina then makes her understand how Ludwig got his good manners. “You can either go back to Maria’s... Or you can stay with me. Felicia is there.”

Lovina knows she can’t go back to Maria’s now – it would just be rude to keep coming and going. On the other hand, to go to Jules’s house will definitely mean more social interaction. But what choice does she have? With the weather as bad as this, Lovina reckons she’ll probably drown in a puddle before she can find a bus stop to hide in. Sighing, she tries to gauge Jules’s feelings – what if Jules is taking this all personally? And what if she blows up suddenly? Sometimes it’s hard to tell with the older girl – one moment she’s totally fine, the next she’s like... _BOOM._ Scary.

 “I don’t want to force my company or anything... I guess you’ll still be mad at me.” It isn’t quite an apology but it’s as close as Lovina can get just now. Now doesn’t really feel like the time to be talking about their disastrous date but it also doesn’t feel right to just leave it untouched. Jules turns to her coolly, eyebrows raised.

Thus far Jules has been trying (successfully) to keep her feelings out of this but now that they’re being called into question, she actually has to think about it. She can see that Lovina is trying to keep her distance without leaning on the window. She lets a long breath out from between her lips, considering her answer.  
“I was pretty fucking pissed, yeah.” She admits, watching Lovina’s face. “You said some nasty things, but you know that yourself. And I’ll admit that I wouldn’t have come to find you if Felicia hadn’t been so damn upset. But the more I think about it, I know that some things are more important and you’ve got to prioritise.” Lovina is surprised and says nothing for a little while.  
“Right...” She feels like there’s more to come.  
“And if that’s how you feel about me... Then it’s fine. I’m not thrilled or anything but I can’t make you like me. What I can do, though, is make sure you’re not sleeping in some bus stop. And I’d like to do that. So where am I taking you?”

They arrive at Beilschmidt house about ten minutes later, the windscreen wipers swiping the glass constantly. Lovina steals a few glances at Jules throughout the journey to try and discern her thoughts but there’s no telling. When they pull in on the long driveway, Lovina can see her sister peering out of one of the countless windows at her.

The minute she steps onto the decking she’s nearly tumbled off it again. Felicia flings herself onto her in what is first a hug, but quickly develops into a slap. Her sister is crying angrily and happily, unabashedly emotional. Ludwig stands in the doorway and Jules is still getting out of the car – neither move to help Lovina out at all.  
“You promised you’d come _here!”_ Felicia shouts, stepping towards her threateningly. Lovina takes a neat step back, smarting over the slap.  
“Feli, I’m sorry but-“  
“No ‘buts’! You _promised_ me and you didn’t come! I don’t know why I bother!”  
“Bother with _what?_ ” Lovina snarls.  
“Lying to mum and dad about some non-existent party you and I are going to! About how you definitely won’t be back until the morning! You didn’t even do what I told you to – I knew you would be _safe_ here!”  
“No one made you do that!”  
“But I was _so_ w-worried, Lovina, don’t you get it? If something had happened it would have been _all my fault!_ Why don’t you understand?!”

Lovina doesn’t want to fight anymore – she just wants to wrap her crying sister up in a hug and keep her safe. She feels fiercely guilty and protective at the same time. Felicia clings to her desperately, occasionally giving her a thump on the back while she cries the last of her anger out.  
“Please, please don’t do that again.” Felicia begs, sniffling into Lovina’s shoulder. “We’ll get through this together. Promise me, promise me you won’t do it again.”  
“I won’t. I promise.”


End file.
